Момиче и мечта

Тя бягаше, с всичка сила бягаше. Площадът беше пълен с хора. А нея я нямаше. Беше се изгубила. И сега момичето не знаеше къде да я търси. Сълзи започнаха да се стичат по бузите и.
"Къде си?" викаше тя. Студената тълпа не и обръщаше внимание. Тя бягаше, спъваше се, падаше, ставаше. Усещаше, че няма да издържи още дълго. Трябваше бързо да я намеря.
"Някой да я е виждал? Моята мечта... Изгубих я, мисля някъде тук. Една такава красива, цветна... Виждали ли сте я?" питаше момичето. Никой дори и не я поглеждаше. Изведнъж всички започнаха да се смеят. "Глупачка"
"Виждали ли сте я? Мечтата ми. Изгубих я."
"Момиче глупаво. Забрави, че някога си я имала. Мечтите са само за глупаците."
"Не, не. Тя е моята мечта. Трябва да е някъде тук. Тя е красива."
"Откажи се. Никога няма да я намериш."
Думите се впиваха в сърцето и. Сълзите бяха ту студени, ту горещи и пареха.
Краката и отслабваха. Вярата и надеждата също. Тя си спомни за своята мечта. Беше заложена в нея, беше прекрасна. Мъничка и нежна. Нямаше друга като нея. Тя се гордееше със своят чудесна мечта. И някак си, тя дори сама не знаеше как, тя просто я изгуби. Нямаше я. Търсеше навсякъде. Обиколи всяко място, погледна под всяко камъче и всяко листенце. Попита всички птички и пчеличките, но те само свиваха рамене. Никой не знаеше.
"Моля ви, кажете ми къде е?"
"Глупаво момиче, никой не знае къде е твоята глупава мечта. Откажи се."
"Не, тя трябва да е някъде тук. Не може да е отишла далеч"
Тя с ужас осъзна, че някой може да я е откраднал. Представи си студените ръце, които може би в същия момент държаха нейната мила и невинна мечта. Тя беше толкова уязвима и чуплива. Беше добра, беше нейна. А сега нечии ръце, чужди и мрачни може би я държаха в плен.
Тя продължаваше да вика и да търси, питаше всеки срещнат. Някои и се присмиваха, други я гледаха жално, но продължаваха да вървят по пътя си. Никой не се спираше.
"Беше тук преди малко. Току що я видях." Младият младеж мило се усмихна на тъжното и разплакано момиче. "Ще ти помогна да я намериш."


И в този миг малкото момиче видя своята красива мечта. Изстрадана, чакана, обичана и жадувана. Тя стоеше точно пред нея и и се стори сякаш никога не се беше изгубвала. Тя забрави сълзите, отчаянието, болката в краката и умората. Нищо нямаше значение вече. Нейната мечта беше пред нея. В очите на младия, усмихнат младеж.

Амиии... Не, не знам...

Перфектно зле започнат ден... Какво по хубаво от това да си седиш вкъщи, да очакваш компютърът ти да се развали всеки момент и да ти е кофти... Бихте попитали какви са причините за това кофти настроение... Хаха, причини. Причини колкото щеш. Глупостта не само на хората около теб, но и твоята собствена, студа, липсата на печка (те двете са свързани), наличието на баща който е безработен, желание да си направиш бананов шейк комбинирано с мързел и отсъствие на банани, мръсна коса...

Да не говорим, че стогодишната война се е водила в продължение на 116 години. Но това не съм го измислила аз. Разбира се. Другите са оригинални. Аз... copy-paste.

Осъзнах, че както още един човек (някаква си Лора) и аз не помня много от детството си. Винаги съм го знаела, но не съм успяла да го формулирам и облека в думи. Не знам дали съм била добро дете, непослушно, тихо... Не знам родителите ми какви са били... Строги, мили, несправедливи... Не знам. Имам смътни спомени за първия учебен ден (при което не съм много сигурна, че са точни), помня малко от третия си или четвъртия си рожден ден и ваденето на зъби, за което винаги получавах 50 стотинки. Ех и тогава съм била материалистка.

И така, седя си в кухнята, ям картофено пюре и шишчета и слушам глупави и безкрайни спорове за майонеза и супа. Просто прекрасно. Пък и като си спомня за простите 8 МВ... Пуууу, аман от тоя свят. Пък и да добавим факта, че не мога да намеря онзи сайт...

Развесели ме едно ученическо съчинение, написано от малко дете. Само децата знаят, само те са истински. Както казва Екзюпери: "Само децата притискат носове в стъклата."

“Птицата, за която ще пиша, е бухълът. Бухълът не се вижда денем, а нощем е по-сляп и от къртица. Не знам нищо особено за бухъла, затова ще продължа с друго животно, което си избирам – кравата. Кравата е бозайник. Има шест страни: лява, дясна, горна и долна. В задната страна има опашка, от която виси четка. С тази четка се гонят мухите, за да не падат в млякото. Главата служи да излизат рога от нея и, освен това, защото устата трябва да стои някъде. Рогата са за да се бие с тях. От долната страна е млякото. Оборудвана е така, че да може да се дои. Когато я доят, идва млякото и вече не спира. Как го прави това? Никога не съм го разбирал, но то тече с още по-голямо изобилие. Мъжът на кравата е бикът. Бикът не е бозайник. Кравата не яде много, но онова, което изяжда, го яде на два пъти и така има достатъчно. Когато е гладна, мучи, а когато не казва нищо, значи, че вътре е пълна с трева. Краката й стигат до земята. Кравите имат много развито обоняние, поради което можеш да ги подушиш от много далече. И заради това въздухът в полето е толкова чист.”

Момиче и сълзи

Не плачи, моля те, момиче. Усмихни се, моля те. Толкова красива е усмивката ти.
Искаш ли да ти нарисувам слънце. То ще накара сълзите ти да изчезнат. Ще взема моливи, боички, най-красивото слънце ще ти нарисувам. Лъчите му ще топлят студените ти ръце, леденото ти сърце. Ще се къпеш в неговата светлина. Само не плачи.
Не плачи, аз ще ти попея. За звездите ще ти пея, за морските звезди на дъното на океана, за калинките по земята... Приспивна песен ще изпея, по-добре да спиш отколкото да плачеш.
Ще помоля вятъра да донесе облаци, сняг ще поръчам за теб. Снежинките ще танцуват с теб, ще те прегръщат. Ще ти шепнат колко си прекрасна. Всяка една ще е уникална, с различна форма, големина. Брой снежинките вместо да плачеш, мило момиче.
Ще заскрежа прозорците на стаята ти. И когато ти е мъчно просто гледай как блести стъклото.
Ще те науча как пак да вярваш, пак да обичаш. Пак добра да бъдеш. Ще ти покажа как да знаеш на кого сърцето си да даваш.
Ще те оставя да бъдеш красива и нежна. Уязвима. Ще те кача на най-прекрасния хълм и ще те гледам как разтваряш от изненада очи.
Ще измисля за теб приказен дворец и ще изпратя облаче със формата на пеперудка да те вземе и да те отведе там. Само твой ще бъде той. Само ти ще знаеш как да влезеш.
Ще ти подаря одеалце, беличко със лилави цветя. И когато ти е тъжно увий в него свойта самота. То ще попие сълзите, ще утеши сърцето.
В едно бурканче ще ти запечатам милиони усмивки. И когато най ти се доплаче отвори го. Една усмивка ще седне нежно на устните ти и цял ден ще бъде с теб.
Ще ти изпратя бяла лястовичка, жар птица... Каквото пожелаеш, само моля те, недей да плачеш.
По вятъра ще ти подаря пръстенче вълшебно. То ще е прекрасно само на твоята ръка и само на твоя пръст ще блести. Ще бъде с камъче зелено и синьо и жълто, понякога камъчето ще е бяло, понякога червено. А когато болката напира във очите, розово ще го направя. То ще сменя своя цвят само и единствено за теб. За да те радва, за да не плачеш.
Приказна градина ще посадя в твоето легло. Най-различни цветя ще има там. И когато си лягаш и ти се прииска да поплачеш, зелената трева няма да ти позволи. Тя ще те гъделичка, ще те разсмива. Цветя ще ухаят за теб. И специално дърво ще има. То вечно ще цъфти. И когато мъката стане непоносима, качи се на това дърво и в свойта бяла рокля поседи си там, поговори си с мравките и катеричките кафяви. Те ще ти разкажат приказка чудесна. За да забравиш, че ти се плаче.
В дрехите на клоун ще се облека и червен нос ще си сложа. На шут ще се превърна ако трябва. За да не плачеш.
Локвичките ще напълня със дъждец. И когато имаш чувството, че си се изгубила просто скочи в една от тях. Така винаги ще знаеш къде е твоят бряг.
Ще изпратя вятър за да разроши косата ти и мъгла за да те скрие от зли думи. А ти не плачи.
Всички приказки ще пренапиша. В тях всички ще бъдат нещастни, за да не си мислиш, че плачеш само ти. Пепеляшка няма да стане принцеса. На света има място само за една... и това ще бъдеш ти. Снежанка няма да се събуди и Червената шапчица ще се изгуби в гората. За да знаеш, че само твоят живот е приказен, прекрасен.
В една кошничка ще събера есенни листа и букет ще ти направя. Моля те, не плачи.
Сребърна луна ще изнамеря и ще я сложа на нощното небе, за да не ти е тъмно, за да не ти е страшно.
Светулки ще повикам от най-далечната страна, ще науча пингвините как да летят, със пеперудки ще напълня стаята ти. Само моля те, недей да плачеш.
Всичко ще се нареди точно както ти го искаш. Аз всяко твое желание ще изпълня, за да не виждам сълзи в очите ти...
А когато вече не издържаш и целия товар на този свят с гръм и трясък падне на твойте рамене и когато нищо не е както трябва - когато слънцето изгрява от запад и земята спре да се върти, когато сърцето ти разбито е на хиляди парчета и няма кой да го поправи... Когато много те боли, аз ще бъда тук... Хайде, поплачи.

2 years and a heart

I don't know if you'll read it... I doubt it you'd open this blog again but if you do... Well, I didn't write this for you. This is my blog, my feelings... Feel free to... not feel anything when/if you read this...
I don't even know what to say... I got the answers to my questions... the ones I posted below.
I still wait for you to call and tell me something like "forget all those stupid things I said, I didn't mean it, I love you..." And it's so stupid... to wait for that. I don't need my phone. Cause you won't call. I can see you, living your own life, life a part of which I'm not... And it seems to me like you're fine. And I'm the one crying.
You don't love me. I really can't believe it. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to...
It's starting to snow outside... And I don't care. I usually love snow, but not now, not these days. Why do I need snow if you're not there to enjoy it with me...
And I wake up and the first thing that I think of is your name... The second thing... Your words.
I'm praying for you. I don't pray for God to make you love me again. That would be insanely ridiculous. I pray that God will lift you up, help you, give you all those things I can't... Or shouldn't I say couldn't. I pray that God may hold you in His arms and bless you.

Do you find me beautiful? Amazing? Breath-taking? Captivating? Do I stir a fire in your heart? Do you need me? Do you imagine your life without me? Do I brighten your day? Do I make a difference to you? Does your heart skip a beat when I enter the room?
Does my smile make you smile? Do you love me more today than you did yesterday? Am I a dream come true? Am I everything you ever thought a woman should be? Do my tears make you want to cry? Do my hands manage to comfort you? Am I enough to make you feel better? Do I make you want to be better? Am I everything you hoped I would be?
Am I beautiful, breath-taking, captivating?

Приключенията на Паячо

Имало едно време едно малко паяче, чието име било... Паячо. И така... Един ден Паячо решил да тръгне на път за Великата китайска паяжина. Естествено трябва да поясним, че нашият герой се намирал в Криводол и го чакал сериозен път. Както и да е. Тръгнал Паячо и по едно време на пътя му що да види... едно такова нещо дето хората му викали камък. И стои паячо и си мисли: "Какво да направя сега? Ако мина отляво ще се изкалям, ако мина отдясно ще си удължа пътя... Откъде да мина?" И тъй като не успял да реши тръгнал наобратно с надеждата, че ще мине през Америка и така до Китай. И тръгнал пак Паячо. И си вървял по пътя и изведнъж ненадейно пред него изскочила една котка. Паячо малко се стреснал ама решил да изчака да види какво ще стане. Котката така се приближила до него и му казала: "Ей шшш, многокрачко, да знаеш, че няма да стигнеш далеч докато не се издължиш на Бъкс Бъни дето му оплете паяжина в гащите." Паячо се замислил. После забравил, че се бил замислил и се замислил пак. После се сети, че се е замислил и се отказа от второто замисляне. И така продължил да мисли един път. Мисли той, мисли и докато мисли минала една кола и го прегазила. И така свърши първа част.
Втора част. Казва се Възнесението на Паячо. Секунди след премазването на Паячо, той установил, че все още диша. "Хм," помислил си Паячо. "Защо тоя тъп автор не е прочел, че аз не дишам". "Шшшшштт, Паячо излагаш ме!" казал автора. И така... продължил Паячо да мисли и разбрал защо му се вие свят и все пак е жив. "Аз съм в грайфера на гумитеееееее" възкликнал радостният Паячо. И в този момент се чуло... ЦРЪК. Това наистина беше краят на Паячо. Една ужасна българска дупка в комбинация с евтини зимни гуми отнеха живота му. Тогава душата на паячето се отдели от размазания му труп, мина покрай шофьора, наплю го, поздрави майка му и тръгна към небето...
"Ще ми липсва рошавата ти грозна мутра" каза автора.
А Паячо в отговор отвърна "Гледай да не оплескаш работата и в трета част"
В този момент историята мълчи как е протекъл нататък този разговор. Затова се връщаме на възнесението на Паячо. Възнася си се той, възнася се. Отива при чичо Петър и иска да влезе в Рая. Обаче чичо Петър му казва: "Паячо... не мога да те пусна поради няколко причини. Първо си се превъзнесъл с 1.68 метра и в това твое превъзнасяне си превишил скоростта за тва ти отнемаме краката за един месец. После автора не е толкова умен за да измисли продължение в Рая, така че марш долу при Каспър. И така завършва втора част на Приключенията на Паячо.

Посвещава се на моята buddy-buddy

Чиниите. Защо трябва да се мият? Защо просто не използваме пластмасови чинии? Или по скоро въпроса е защо АЗ трябва да ги мия?
Добре... Госпожата по литература няма ли огледало??? Надявам се, че няма да се счита за грях лъжата която и казах днес... Изглеждала добре... Даааа, и аз съм Барак Обама.
Бедните Октоподчо и Паячо... Как можах да ги забравя. Лоша Катя. Просто се запознахме в неудобен момент. Нищо лично.
Искам и аз нещо от типа Анойчо Бас. Сибееееел. Скална роза... да ве. Едно зелено-розово стръкче забучено в прашинка и сложено в пластмасов цилиндър. Един удар в стената иииии :D
Да не споменаваме дивата кокошчица, за която ще говориш другия вторник. Хаха
Защо трябва да каним Десева? Вярно е, че мисля да бачкам там ама не я искам на бала ми да ме гледа свирепо. Аз днес и се усмихнах, а тя ме подмина. Професионализъм се нарича... за тези които не знаят.
Кецките ми не са светофарено червени. Нормален червен цвят. Просто някои хора, Сибел, са далтонисти.
Уууу, да не забравя да си измия косата... Фотографът идва утреее. И дрехите да си изпера :D
Кими е тъъъъп. Той си гони опашката и се блъска в гардероба. Да не говорим за маркирането :D
Не приличам на момче. Още по-малко на някое си момче от 10Б. Не, не сме брат и сестра, нито братовчеди. !!!
С всеки ден се убеждавам, че математиката е измислена от купчинка глупави хора, които са се мислили за много умни, а всъщност им е било скучно и са започнали да си измислят някакви теореми и други подобни глупости. Или просто комплекси. Някои им е казал, че са глупави или грозни и те за да докажат обратното решили да измислят неща които изглеждат достатъчно сложни за да не може никой друг да ги разбере (включително и те самите) и хората да си мислят, че има връзка и логика в нещата. От тук следва, че всички учители по математика са... Да, разбрахме се.
Мирише на сняг, а не на зима. Зимата не мирише, Сибел. Но както вече споменах, ти не знаеш.
Дъждът е красив. Когато е навън и си вали, а ти не си там при него и той не е в обувките ти.
И другите виждат отблясъци когато си притворят очите. Уауууу
Ти беше аз и беше бременна, а аз бях ти. =)
Сибел има бойфренд, а той не знаеееее. Трябва поне да разберем как се казва. Не бива така. Особено като се има предвид, че той е толкова близо.
И ти не си християнка, но е важна ценностната система.
А ти не беше розова. Ха ха ха. И не беше на дейт. Ама ще отидем с теб на дейт... кино, театър.. Както кажеш. Който плаща той поръчва музиката :D
И в центъра на Истамбул ще се разкарваме с балните рокли и ще се снимаме. Хихи.
И мисля да приключа тук. Всички се убедихме, че Сибел е моята BFF, а не чувството за хумор.

Обичам те

He works hard for the things he wants.
He has dreams and pursues them.
He is good and compassionate.
He helps people.
He knows the value of everything.
He is not like others.
He is loving and caring.
He doesn't say much but knows what to say in every situation.
He is a good friend.
He listens.
He is wise.
He knows how to love.
He advises.
He is not unbreakable.
But every time he breaks he finds the courage to rebuild himself again.
He is not perfect.
But he is unbelievably amazing.
He loves the truth and hates everything that is untrue.
He is not fearless.
But he faces his fears.
He does not lie because truth is deeply woven into everything he is.
He is a warrior.
He is dangerous.
He gets tired.
But fights to his last breath.
He is patient.
He is strong.
He fails.
But he does not give up.
He is brave.
He is gentle.
He is loved.
He is saved.
He matters.
He follows the steps of a Savior.
He is not rich nor famous but Jesus knows his name.
He is here to change the world.
He is created by God.
A real man is what he is.
And MAN is his name.

Yet again...

Where do I begin...

I hate it. All of it. I hate being the little girl in the family. I hate being told that I'm stupid and ugly. I hate being underestimated. I hate crying in my bed at 2 am in the morning. I hate the fact that I need people to like me and approve of me because my family doesn't.

I realized how some things work with people. There is a formula for everything. It's all on some subconscious level. Last Saturday and Sunday I was told about 200 times that I'm stupid and I should shut up. Then my sister made me angry and I realized I am telling her the same things she is telling me. And I just stopped. I don't want to do the things that have been done to me. I don't want my family to define who I am and my past to determine my future. I don't want to be mean. But I realize sometimes that I just can't escape from it. I do it unconsciously. I do things that I don't want to do because this is the example I've been given. I don't want to use this as an excuse to being mean to people. But I told my sister she's stupid because that's what I've heard about myself. And then I realized I shouldn't be doing this and I stopped. But when does this end? When are they gonna realize that I am a human being, a girl. I'm not Einstein but I'm not dumb either. I'm only 17 but I still have an opinion and sometimes the things I want to say, the ideas I have are not that bad. I'm not a straight A student but I am trying. I don't always do the right thing but I don't do drugs, I don't go to clubs and get wasted, I don't jump into guy's beds. And still I'm the bad kid in the family. And it's not a pleasant feeling. And on that Sunday family reunion I realized that something's gotta change or I'm gonna be the bad kid all my life. They were all so disappointed when I told them I want to be a teacher and yet no one even asked why I want that. No one wanted to know what my motives are. It just looks like a circle...

Kino apologizing to Vivi =)

I'm sorry... About everything. Mostly about last night. I shouldn't have said all those things. I am being selfish. You have your own life, responsibilities, things you do and I shouldn't get in the way. We both agreed to stop calling and going out and I am sorry I'm not keeping my part of the deal. It's simply selfish and stupid to rely on you like that... more than I should. I mean it's not normal for me to be your top priority and I don't want that. So I'm sorry I hurt you last night. I promise I'm gonna try to do better.
I am really sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly and now that I am... I feel stupid for wanting all those things from you. I know you care and you think about me and it really doesn't matter that you have to remind yourself to call me... You do have a lot of things to do, it's normal. So I give up, admitting that the fight was stupid and I shouldn't have started it in the first place. And I apologize.

Not a flower

Well, it's been nothing... It's back and forth again and again. And then feeling too stupid to go back and fix everything cause you know you'll mess it up again. So I've been spending my days running and hiding behind school and doctors and books. Feels like it's been like this forever. I really do need a change of scene... Something new to happen... And until it does... School, doctors and books.

S. & B. =)

It's funny to search for something for a long period of time just to find out it has been under your nose all along. I needed a friend and was sad because I couldn't find one. I thought it would be an elder woman from church or something like that... Instead I found comfort in a quiet 17 year old girl that has been a friend of mine for at least 2 years now... A few days ago i realized she was the friend i was looking for... My best girl friend. I spend half of the day with her at school so it's very cool. And it even rhymes. She's crazyyyyyy and I love that about her. We go shopping together. We like the same clothes and shoes and bags.. Sometimes. She's the nicest girl I know. And I can tell her anything... Even thought she's not a Christian... I mean she's 50/50. I'll make sure it's 100% when she moves to Shumen. I love you S. Phhh sounds like in that show... :D
"You know you love me. x.o.x.o. Gossip Girl" :D:D:D:D

That little girl and her little Book

I guess I shouldn't be surprised... After every good moment in life there's a bad one... Had a great day today at church and so there had to be something bad to compensate the good part...You just don't expect your father to get so mad about such a small insignificant thing... It's not normal for a girl to be scared of her dad... I mean yeah, he's right to be mad at me and yell at me... But he's not supposed to use physical strength. It left me broken and hurt. And it's not the physical pain that is so bad... It's the idea that a strong man like him can hit a girl like me without even thinking... He hasn't beat me up or anything... But it still hurts. So bad. I'm small, what am I in front of a man like him? I'm supposed to be the little girl he's proud of, the little girl he protects and loves. Instead I'm the little girl who's always not right, always does the wrong things, is always lazy and stupid. Lord help me cause i don't know how much more brokenness i can take...

What it's like to be tired

I really am. In every aspect, in every way... Every part of me is crying for rest. My life right now can be put into a quote from Nelly Furtado's song...

I see you standing there wanting more from me and all i can do is try..

Everyone wants something from me... And I try... And then they want more... More from me, some... More than me... But I'm like this... This is what I am and being not enough is not a pleasant feeling. I just can't be everything to everyone... I'm not Paul... He could do it. And I just can't.

Since 12.09.09 I love you more

Since 12.09.09 I love you more. I thought a lot about what I would say and how I would say it. But it worked out better than I could imagine... You made me fall in love with you all over again. I am sorry I started doubting whether I love you or not... I don't even know why such thoughts invaded my mind. But since last night I love you more. I love you for telling me all those things and not judging me after what I told you. I love you for having the courage to admit those things. You just sat there telling me all those things that prove how imperfect you are and it made me love you more than you could imagine. It proved that you are a real man, a man not afraid to put a name on his weaknesses. I love you for fighting to be better. I'll try to remember how I felt that night so that if doubts come again I can chase them away. I love you for who you are, for the strong man you are. For those principles, for your courage and mind... Thank you for encouraging me and showing me that Christianity still means something to someone.

I know the cake looks funny Daddy but I sure tried...

I hope I finish this one cause all the other times I started i wrote about 3-4 lines... So many things to say... I'm confused and motivated and excited and tired... A little bit of everything.
There's this song... Bob Carlisle - Butterfly Kisses. I can't let go of it. It makes me cry every time I listen to it. I wish my dad would say things like that to me... I wish he remembered and knew all those things about me. And instead...

Something changed... But I can't say. I'm in this place where I don't know where I am. And I want to go back to when I loved You more than anything else. To the time when all I had was You and it was more than enough. To when it was simple - You, me, them. To when I would listen. To when my pure dreams didn't get in Your way. And instead... Stuck here...

My Man

I didn't tell you today while we were walking to the bus stop but it was in my mind all throughout the evening... During the service, the worship part to be more specific I was afraid that my nose is gonna hit the ceiling... I felt so proud... I think I've never felt so proud in my life... Not even for my own successes. I was proud of you (and of course smiling like a jerk which is normal, for me i mean). I am proud of you. I wanted to get up on a chair, point to you and say something like: "Ha ha... That's MY man!!! You see that? You hear those drums? Yeah, that's MY man playing!!!" It starts to become something regular... I mean you play like that all the time... You are great at it and I don't come and tell you this cause it's normal... But even though i don't tell you all those things doesn't mean they're not in my head... Maybe other people don't notice that anymore... Just like no one goes to Stilio and Yavor to tell them how great they were... But I notice... I remember every single time you get up on that stage and sit on that uncomfortable chair, picking up those sticks and giving your 100%. I remember. I notice. I listen... I don't want to freak you out but sometimes I find myself not hearing all the other instruments and listening to you playing those drums. I feel like I'm the one who's up there. I notice when sometimes you go a little bit wrong with the beat and in those moments my heart stops for a second... I know that you will fix it but still... I worry about that kind of things... Not about you being bad at it cause you're not. You are the most amazing drummer in the world... I know I'm not objective but it's true. You've made an incredible progress. I don't know much about music but you are great, you are awesome. So never let anyone tell you that you suck or that you can't do it. Maybe in the beginning no one believed you could do it but i knew, i was certain that if there's anyone in the world who could do something... That person would be you. It's one of the reasons I love you...

My "I ♥ Y"

I had a great day yesterday... Church was cool, then watching the F1 with you was so great... I had fun and i'm glad that the one we like was 3rd :D Even cleaning with you was fun =) Thank you for the most amazing gift ever. I love things that people make themselves, things that mean something and that you used brain for... I love your gift. It's not just something bought in a gift shop... (even though I don't mind being given bought things :P ) It's something you thought about, something you had to figure out how to do, then put it together... I just love it
And you know what... I love you too =) Yeah, imagine that... =)

The Key That Fits My Hand Alone

This is a very important picture... This is MY KEY, the key made for me...

Slap in the Face

Today was a pretty interesting day... I realized I'm the stupidest person alive but God loves me like that... At home it was pretty bad, everyone was unhappy about something, my sister told me I do not look like a girl with me wearing T-shirts and sneakers and all that...
After that "great" morning me and a guy from church went to the villages around Shumen. He goes there every week and he preaches and talks to people. So i decided to go with him and it was very... awakening and real... I saw real people fighting for their faith and believing. So I'm planning on doing this again... Actually, doing this from now on. I saw what's important... I was thinking on doing this because you know... someone's gotta do it... But then i remembered what a friend of mine said once... Someone's gotta want to do it.

Yeah, that woman died yesterday...

In need of a miracle

My mom usually goes to people who are dying or sick... Sometimes people she has never met but she goes to hospitals and she becomes their friend in order to tell them about Jesus. So there's this woman... She has cancer and as i write this she's literally dying... She might not make it through the night... My prayer is that even if she dies that she will be with the Lord... The thing is... Her husband is all broken up... When my mom asked him to prayer for his wife he started crying and asking for forgiveness for himself cause he feels like he's nothing... He couldn't build a good life for her, couldn't give her children so i can just guess how he feels. It must hurt... To feel like you're nobody, to know that you couldn't give your wife what she deserved to have and to know that the woman you love is dying and you're all alone... I can't even imagine what this pain could feel like. To see your wife dying in front of you. Lord, what about a miracle? Please

The past few days

It was a pretty descent Monday... had a lot of work but no one was pressuring me so it was ok. I'm really learning a lot at this job... Doing things i don't like doing, serving, being honest even when no one is around...
The wedding was great... Of course there were moments which weren't so good but it went well. We had fun, my bro and his wife were happy so that is the most important thing =) Those kind of events make me think and dream about my own wedding. I can't wait to get married. =)
I love you! As Whitney (one of the girls from America) once said: "I love how he is your best friend who you are planning on marrying but is not your boyfriend." So yeah, i love you my best friend/hopefully future husband/not my boyfriend. I love the fact that you are smart and thoughtful and considerable and always say the right things but at the same time you know how to have fun. I love that you are steady and loving and caring. I simply love you so much and i love spending time with you. I love how you take my bag and hug me when i'm cold and give me a piece of your sandwich... May God bless you and hold you tight so that you may never let go of Him. I love you...

A "so so" Day

I don't have much time, I'm very sleepy but i was like "hey, i haven't written in a while" so i decided to give an update to all my fans around the world.
Today was a bad/good day. Had some of the bad stuff, then some good, then some bad again. I guess life just works that way. I felt stupid at church today because of a thing a few girls said to me... Anyways. At home was pretty sucky too. I miss this certain person right now. The evening was interesting cause we went for a barbecue at Bobby's house and hang out with the American peoples. It was fun, at least most of it. Then some people made me a bit mad and I'm just struggling with myself.
Last night at the prayer service I prayed for God to open up my eyes to see Him the way He is. I want to know Him, the real Him, and not my version of Him, not my idea of Him. And like in the Bibble Solomon asked for this one thing... wisdom. And I was saying something like "If i get the chance to pick one thing... money or happiness or wisdom or anything at all... The thing I would pick would be knowing the one and only true God."
And yeah... my mom is telling me at this specific moment that I disappoint Christ... but that is also how life works. I suppose my mom's right...

This is me missing you so bad...

I want my best friend back. I miss youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
Those few days have been so crappy just because of the thought that you are miles and miles away. I miss talking to you... cause you know we can't talk that much because of the stupid minutes... I miss the fact that you can't come and pick me up from work or just having you sit next to me in church. I miss you so much =( I know you'll be back soon but i can still miss you, can't i? No one else cares about me... And i care only about you so... =(
I hope you're having fun. Cause here nothing makes sense without you. I had amazing time yesterday talking to you on the phone... You told me what you ate and i wasn't paying much attention to the information (but I do listen to you), i was enjoying hearing your voice, you sounded so excited and happy... And it made me smile. Just come back, pleaseeeeeee. Cause if something happens and I start falling apart there will be no one to fix me... That's something only you do. I miss you. I never thought I would miss you knowing that you're gonna be back in a few weeks but i do miss you so much. I said 'I miss you' around billion times so i thing I'm gonna stop now. I love you and I'm waiting for you to come back to your own 'selqnka'. =)

Just some stuff about my life

I've been a real bitch - I know. I wasn't planning on crying while writing this but now I just can't help myself. I was supposed to be all hard core but I guess I'm not. I can't explain the things I do nor give a good reason about the things I don't do. I don't know what's the heart of the matter. Maybe I'm just not that steady, maybe I'm just the kind of person who gets blown away by the first wind. Maybe I chicken out when I see a storm coming. Maybe I just got disappointed in people, mostly people from church cause by the way I see it it's far from where it's supposed to be. I know that there is no perfect church and I know that the church has made a lot of progress the last couple of years but it's not how I imagine it should be. Correct me if I'm wrong or unreasonable but there should be love and humbled people obeying God. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, I'm clearly the last person who can do that cause I'm not who I should be... And maybe everyone in church is something like me... broken, desperate, lost... I don't want to be where I am, really. But I am here. It takes a lot not be here and I'm not sure I can sacrifice, it's hard and discouraging sometimes. I don't want to be a quitter cause I believe that I'm not. I am scared as hell of dying cause I know that if I do I ain't going to the place I need to go. I just lost my hope, my focus. I know I should believe without proof but here I am, not doubting... just needing something new, needing a change, some hope to keep on going. Cause if I don't get that I will be back here in this bottom in a few months. I need to believe that I'm worth saving... not worthy... I know I'm not worthy, just wanna know I'm enough cause I've been raised and told that I'm anything but enough. I am being treated like crap. I don't want to sound like a victim, I know I've done my share of bad things, I offend people sometimes but I'm trying not to and it seems like no matter what I do my parents are never satisfied with me. I am scared that I'm gonna be just like my mom. Don't get me wrong... She's an amazing person, she's strong, I admire her for going through so many things, dealing with all this pain and still holding on to her faith... That is awesome, really, but she doesn't know how to appreciate, how to love people for who they are, how to believe in them. Maybe it's because no one appreciated her, or loved her for who she is but there comes a moment when things need to change. I don't want to be smashed cause I don't want to smash. I don't want to have to explain to my children in a few years that the reason I don't appreciate them is because I haven't been taught better. I don't want to be the person who will make her children cry themselves to sleep, I don't want my children to feel the pain I've felt of always having to compete with perfection. I don't want anyone feeding my ego... I just want to know I'm OK, I just want her to see me trying, I want her to tell me to keep on trying and that she believes in me, I want her to believe in me, just one tiny bit of faith. I need to believe that I am a fine person...
I am curly and skinny (and not many people are), I'm a mess sometimes but I am also funny sometimes, I am kinda smart, I'm an almost straight A student, I'm intelligent, I can cook, I can clean, take care of children, I am talkative and nice to people, I am friendly, I like to encourage others, I want to be good, I can draw a bit, I have a descent taste in music, I am constantly blown by the wind and it takes me places I don't want to go but I always come back...crying on my knees, crushed and broken but I always end up in the right place, I always come back to that throne... I guess I can tell right from wrong, I am witty, sometimes reliable, I believe in good of people, I am an optimist, I am a dreamer, I love chocolate and food and snow and summer and colorful, flowery, cute stuff, I love my friends and I'm trying to be a good friend and choose my friends wisely. I am impulsive and emotional, not even slightly rational and considerable, and I laugh too much, too loud and at all the wrong moments, I say the wrong stuff to the wrong people, I blush, I overreact and I'm practically a drama queen, I get too emotional and I make stupid decisions, I don't always listen to my parents, I watch too many movies and waste my time doing meaningless things, I wear too many necklaces and bracelets, my favorite sneakers are too red and dirty, my shirts too open, I talk way too much... But it's who I am. That is who Katie is. This is who God made me to be, that is how God loves me. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I got nothing more to give. I never promised to be perfect, I fail but at least I'm trying. It's better than doing nothing. I'm not enough for you, I know, but it's not because I'm a bad person or because I lack something... It's because you made up your mind to shut me out and made up your mind that I will never be enough for you...
I'm not the perfect daughter.
I'm not the perfect person.
I'm not the perfect girl.
I'm not the perfect student.
I'm not the perfect sister.
I'm not the perfect friend.
Surely not the perfect Christian.
BUT I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, I FIGHT AS HARD AS I CAN
And if that's still not enough for you... it's your loss then... There's nothing more I can do. I just need to remind myself that the next time you ruin the stuff I've been trying to build all this time...

"You're sick"

Thank you, my dear friend for praying for me cause I know that you do. Thank you for being next to me, for supporting me, helping me, loving me... for just accepting me for who I am. Sometimes when I'm not OK, sad or something and you wonder what's wrong... Just to let you know... Sometimes I don't need much, i don't want presents or other things to make me smile... Sometimes, pretty often actually I just need to know that the person I've become is OK. I don't need to hear that I'm special or amazing or anything like that. I just want to know that who I am is enough for you, i just need to be accepted for who I am. I am told I'm stupid and sick and all that... So i need you to prove to me I'm not all those things. Tell me I'm not sick, or stupid or useless... Tell me I'm OK, tell me I'm fine and normal. My mom always used to tell me that if you say black, black is it gonna be... And I'm afraid that if they keep calling me stupid and sick I'm gonna end up being like that.

Life Officially Sucks... Big Time

They say things can always be worse and I'm sure it's like that but right now it's the worse that could be... My dad lost his job and he's probably not gonna look for another one, so we're gonna have to find a way to live ... Probably gonna cut off phones and internet and all that... I just don't know how we're gonna make it, I'm graduating next year, i wanna go to college... Life sucks. I'm just in this dark place right now, they tell me to believe that God's gonna fix everything but it's kinda hard when you're not exactly going through all of it yourself. I just want some more teenage years, i wanna be a kid... And i see my childhood crumbling down in front of my eyes. So is this the adult world? You worry about money, about tomorrow? Is that it? Cause if it is I don't want to be a part of it. If that is the adult world i would like to stay a kid. Stay tuned for some more crappy stuff that are gonna happen...

My Amazing Family

She said that what I do is a waste of time... my drawings. She said it doesn't matter.

I told her my back and my knee hurt, she came to me and told me to pray for my brother.

I told her I have the best grade on my math test from the whole class... she said OK.

I asked her to help me get my plaster off... She said that's not important now, I'll help you later. She didn't help me.

He said there was no point for me to go to college.

She said I'm useless.

Make me smile...

I want to ask you for something... I need you to do something for me. You are all I have now so there's no one else to turn to... And even if there was someone else I would still turn to you... Anyway... I'm not in my right place, I need you to really pray for me... really really hard. I know that you do that but I'm very serious... I need you to back me up cause I'm losing the ground under my feet and I need you to help me pull it back together. I trust you. I love you. And now I really need you. I've always needed you but this time I need you to really support me, not tell anyone about this... Just me and you... And I need you to fight for me, be strong for me. Just be with me and promise that no matter what you'll always be by my side to take care of me. When you read this... don't ask me about it. I need you to just do what I asked. I wrote it here cause it's easier, you can't ask questions. So please, don't expect me to explain. Just be with me in this. Be with me. Fight for me. Fight for yourself and for me. Fight hard cause I really need you...

Remember you sent me this picture... and we laughed about it... But I need you to keep that promise. Make me smile... I haven't done that in such a long time... Make me smile...

Came for us...

"First they put away the dealers,
then they put away the prostitutes,
then they shoot away the bums,
and beat and bash the queers.
Turned away the asylum seekers;
fed us with suspicions and fears.
We didn't raise our voice,
we didn't make a fuss.
It's funny there was no one left to notice
when they came for us."

The original poem:

"They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up"
Martin Niemöller

Not OK

Wow, haven't written in here for like... well, a long time. These days have been crazy and I've been a mess.
I love you my best friend/most amazing person ever/husband-to-be-one-day/the love of my life. I love you even though you didn't call (which you did but my phone didn't think it was necessary to let me know which is of course your fault cause it definitely can't be my fault... yeah, that's the golden rule... There is always someone to blame and that's never me =) ) I really got so disappointed when you didn't call cause I know you are the greatest guy ever and the greatest guy ever always calls to say sorry... and then when you told me you called but the stupid phone didn't ring I was so relieved that I am the stupid one and you did call =)

Changing the subject...

Picture something for me... You've definitely seen a junkie. If you know that person and he or she really wants to get rid of that bad addiction but he just can't... and he just goes on and on cause he can't help it. It's an addiction. And you feel sorry for that person and you know that he is a good person but this thing is just stronger... That's me. Addict. A stupid one at that. I'm sorry for the word I'm about to use, it's just the most appropriate... I'm such a jerk, such a b****. Really.
A song can say it all better than me so...

One may think we're doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We're losing ground with every passing day
We're not OK
But that's one thing I would never say to you...

Farewell to singing...

One dream down... I have this little imaginary to-do list, things I want to achieve, dreams I have... Yeah, well today I can scratch one out... When your best girlfriend who doesn't know about a certain dream of yours tells you you can't do it...well, that says it all... I really tried... With the singing stuff but I'm giving up now. I'm tired of all this... It's masochistic. It's like breaking my own heart over and over again. I really tried. I put my heart in it. And it didn't work out. So I'm done with singing. I don't want to lie to myself anymore, tell my self it's gonna happen when I know it won't. So, yeah, that's it... Goodbye...

Not a kid today... Not a kid at all...

Yeah, and I'm sorry... For all sorts of thing, for most of the things I do... I hate the fact that most of the things I do are wrong. I'm sorry for being who I am. I don't like that person. I could say I'm everything I don't like being. I'm the best christian at church and youth group but outside I'm just like everybody else and I wish I wasn't like that. I do meaningless and stupid things all day long, I shut You out... I wish I couldn't do that. I want to change, I really do, I want to leave all this behind me and move on but I keep walking the same way that I have already walked, I keep making the same mistakes I've already made... I want to make that change but it's a decision I can't bring myself to make. I have to sacrifice too many things. You see, everything I do has a little piece of me so I'm divided into one million pieces. So those things I do want my heart, my time, my devotion... I wish I could face those things and take back my pieces... Then give them to the only One Who can put them together and make my heart whole again. But it's a decision too big for me... Or I'm too small for it. Everything got so complicated, so wrong, and it used to be so easy and simple when it was just You and me against the world. And now I'm lost... I'm a mess. A big one at that. I hate myself for avoiding You and shutting You out. Cause when I hit the bottom I always come back begging for mercy and all that... So why do I have to go through all this drama. Life just gets harder, gets out of hands. Days just pass me by. I wake up in the morning and I wonder how could it be. Yesterday I was a kid and the world was pink and happy... Today it's not like that and today I am not a kid. Big decisions are waiting, knocking on my door and I know it's my call but I just stand and watch as if it's not me, as if it's not my life, as if it's someone else. And I hate that world... It's a dark place to be. It's a place where dreams come true but those dreams are all wrong. On the surface I'm OK but the inside, the heart is not OK. God is not worth all this pain and I feel like I'm crucifying Him again and again and again... Then some more. And I want to cry, I want to let it all go but it's like those eyes lost their ability to pour out tears. And I'm scared of loosing both of you. I'm scared I'm always taking the wrong road. I'm tired of this life or existence... doesn't matter how you call it. I wish I could talk to someone about all of this, share... cause it's a weight too big for a single person to carry around. Valio I wish I could talk to you, I'm sorry I can't tell you all those things... I know you'll read it all but I just can't say it to your face... I feel like I should back off for a while, stay away from you for some time. I don't want to push you away cause I love you, you are all I have now... but when I see you and I think of all those things I've done, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears right there in front of you cause you see through me, you see past the walls I've put up. I wish I could lay my head on your shoulder and tell you everything, cry... And it sucks to love you so much and not be able to be with you. I guess I should try to learn how to live with that. I should take some time to focus on other things, let you focus on God... Because you know how scared I am of loosing you. Last night was just the top of the iceberg... I just want to be a child again. I stood today at Russian class staring at the window .. I was looking at the clouds wishing I could be there, or a bird, or a tree... I wish I could be anywhere but here. Life here is just way too complicated and I am too small to face the big things that are waiting for me. Singing and all the pressure at school, and my family, and my crappy relationship with God, and you and everything... It's just too wrong. I'm just waiting to go to bed so I could fall into pieces and cry myself to sleep... Tears don't help but I've been trying to keep it together all day and now I just want to let go and let myself fall apart...

Fatherhood

Today was a pretty nice day. Church, good service, reading a lot of great quotes, walking home with the guy i love and even standing on that bus stop was great =)
And just staying at home when everyone else is going out... that is kinda new to me but it's kinda nice. =)
I should totally update my diary so that you might have other funny things to read :D

Thank You God for letting me control my own life so that I may learn that I suck at it. It's like a little child and a Father. The Father is always there to hold my hand and yet at some point I think I'm old enough and strong enough to walk on my own. So I let go. He says No. But I don't need His hand anymore. I make a few steps on my own and then of course fall... And yet there He is, right by my side even though I told Him I don't need Him. He still loves me. And He's not the kind of God who will laugh and say something like: "Ha Ha I told ya so". He comes and softly takes me by the hand, picking me up and caring me like a real Father. Yeah, that's Fatherhood. That's love. Thank You for letting me fall so that I may know that I can't walk on my own. Thank You for letting me fail so that I may realize that I need You and can't live without You. Forgive me for forgetting that.

Stupid questions I can't seem to answer

I have a question... I may sound stupid or unreasonable but I'll still ask my stupid question... What is it about me that makes you hate me so much? You'll tell me you don't hate me... OK. Then what is it about me that doesn't allow you to love me? Am I that bad? Am I that unbearable and horrible? Parents are supposed to love right? Love no matter what... Right? Then what is it about me that is so appalling to you? Am I that bad? What is it about me that you can't stand? I believe in a God who is perfect and makes things perfectly... and yet the way you treat me makes me think that He screwed up when creating me, makes me think that something about me must be wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect... Yeah, I do stupid stuff but aren't you supposed to love me no matter what I do? I thought I had won over all this thing, I thought it's all over. But I was wrong again. It comes back, always. It comes back and it tears me apart over and over and over again. Just the fact that you all think I'm insane... It hurts. But you wouldn't know cause I would never tell you. So if anyone can answer this stupid question of mine please do cause I can't seem to figure it out. Why can't you love me the way I am and maybe, just maybe, for who I am?

Math... I HATE YOU!!!

I officially hate maths, numbers (if it's not money), triangles, pyramids, squares and stuff like that!!!

Amazing Grace

What a great song, what amazing things... What an amazing grace...

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Heart-breaking...

I'm quiet tonight... Quiet and humbled. Rehearsal... i love it but I hate how I feel there. I don't think people there realize how blessed and gifted they are... If I had half of their talent... I don't want to sound like I'm jealous but I wish I could sing or play like that... It's my dream since I could dream and now being so close to it and yet not being able to do it... It's a bit heart-breaking. I keep praying if it's God's will for me to sing that He may give me a voice... But it makes me cry to see all those talented people and I just stand there, feeling dumb and stupid and useless. I know I'm not those things but it's the way I feel. I do what I can... the lyrics and the computer. But sometimes I wish I could do more. I wish I could get up there, take the mic and sing my heart out. Being among those people who are my closest friends makes me feel so small and insignificant. I promised myself I would honor and serve God with everything I have, in the smallest things and yet this childhood dream of mine keeps on pressing me and making me cry. I love music and art... it's a big part of my life and I want to praise God with what I feel is close to my heart and yet I can't... It is indeed a bit heart-breaking...

Formal apology to Jimmy Needham

I wanted to formally apologize to Jimmy Needham for plagiarizing and stealing ideas from him... Or is it better to say USING his ideas (I don't like to think I've stolen anything). I think I'll start marking the things that are from his songs with something like JN so that people (not that anyone is reading this) may not be deceived by some cool stuff I use in this blog. Jimmy's songs are very inspiring, I love the lyrics so I use them very often and if that in some way offends him or violates something... I'M SORRY!!! Please forgive me my brother! I'm not a bad person (or at least I'd like to think so). I hope one day I'll see you in heaven and apologize personally. Till then I hope God will continue using you and giving you many great songs that will inspire people like me around the world.

P.S. Sorry again! =)

Teach us right from wrong...

There's gotta be something wrong, something's not right in the way we understand God... I've been thinking about it lately. Can't really explain it but I've been thinking about the church back then, when God was moving and doing all those amazing things. Where is that now? We are not the people who God made us to be.
Holy Spirit, teach us the truth. Show us the truth, the whole truth about You. Show us where we're mistaken. Point us our mistakes, our wrongs. Show us those things we've been missing. Teach us how to live COMPLETELY in Your will, how to truly trust You and rely on You. Let us be the servants You need, clay in Your hands that is willing to bend and break and be transformed. Open our eyes so that we may see the things that have stayed out of our sight so far. Please Lord, for Your name's sake. You are the one and only true God so teach us the truths we have been missing on. Cause if You don't do that, who will? If You don't put us on the right path who will do that? I want to be true and I want to be like the women in the Bible so I need Your help. Show me the little things I have thought are insignificant. I want to honor You will my whole being, I want to obey the smallest of things. Teach me right from wrong so that I may do the same to the people around me. There are so many deceptions and lies and delusions. So teach us how to distinguish black from white. We men are weak and mean and our hearts are deceitful. But You are a holy God and a God big enough to handle our mean minds and change them. So don't let us disgrace Your name with our lives. Step in. Protect what is Yours and don't let us go astray. Swoop in, remove sin, take Your bride and carry her... (JN) She belongs to You alone so do not let anyone lie to her. Cause obviously she's not strong enough to do that. So be the one to protect her and keep her away from things that will hurt her. I rely on You.

Paradox

I'll show the wind how to fly, the sun - how to shine, the rose - how to blossom. I'll teach the day how to be bright, the night – how to come unexpected, the dawn – how to amaze. I'll show people how to be humans, how to love and to hate, how to smile and to cry. I'll show them how to laugh and to sigh, how to give up and how to try. I'll show them how to conquer the strong, how to strengthen the weak. I'll teach them right and wrong. I'll show them beauty and blood. I'll give them truth and deception, friends and enemies, loyalty and betrayal. I'll show them all so that they may know. And then I'll let them decide…which one do they want… But let me tell you… They'll betray their friends and be loyal to their enemies. They'll deceit and cover the truth. They'll choose the blood over the beauty, they won't go for the right – they'll choose wrong, they'll conquer the weak and strengthen the strong, they will prefer to give up, to sigh, to hate and to cry. They won't look at the dawn, or care about the night… they'll make the day dark when it's supposed to be bright. They'll trample the rose upon dust, and keep the sun from shining when it must, they'll put the wind in a cage and watch it suffer and scream… Then many years passed... When the world was all broken and grey they felt lonely and looked for some love. And I gave them love in its purest form. Yet when it came they did not see. When I gave them love… They nailed it to a tree.

For my secret reader =)

You're my unfathomable precious unimaginable joy
And you're exceedingly exciting and abundantly more than I could ask for
With your hand in mine we will pass through time and space
And every second, every minute, every hour of every day I’ll say

My unfailing love for you will not be moved
And though the mountains be shaken
And the hills be removed
Yet my unfailing love for you

He tells a story of a King coming in glory and He is
And that same Man who devised that plan united ours with His
And so hand in hand we will walk with Him as our two become as one
And all the promises He promises to us He promises will never be undone

Before bed love confessions...

Cool day... Went on a sort of a picnic with most of my friends... Well, the most important people were there... Or should I say the most important person =)
I love wearing your jacket, or how you tell me you love me without anyone seeing or hearing you, or how you always look at me just to make sure I'm OK. We should totally go to the "Pametnik" together... alone =) I didn't tell you yesterday but my heart almost melted when you wanted to carry me through the puddles. And I totally melted in your arms when you hugged me. I love being able to talk to you about almost everything... Almost :D Or when you ask your funny questions. I just love you =) It's as simple as that =) I love making up new words when talking to you, or calling you at 11 pm just to talk. Or when someone says something about you I feel like I'm blushing. And when I have to say your name in front of other people I think it comes out differently. You've become such a big part of my life now... Today you put your wallet and keys in my bag and it feels weird... in a good way. Like we already are together. And if I'm cold I wouldn't take other people's jackets... I take only yours. Cause you are my man =) My husband (to be) (hopefully)
So, yeah... I love you. And I can't wait to see you again... Tomorrow =)
I am glad you came with us today... It wouldn't be fun for me without you.
I'm really sleepy, you know my hands hurt too so I'm gonna stop for today... I'll continue writing how much I love you tomorrow.
Good night to you my love =)

Supernatural

Jesus, You are alive! Yeah, really! You are not a fiction, not made up, not in books... You are alive and because of that I am alive. Your death made me clean and Your resurrection paid for my soul. I will never be able to repay... or express for that matter how thankful I am to You for what You did. And the most amazing thing is that You are alive now. If You stayed in that tomb and never rose from the dead... well, I don't know what would happen and I am happy I don't. I have such a strong and powerful God, such a merciful and amazing God! A supernatural God. A true Hero. Because of You I am alive and forgiven and I will live forever!

One word

Ruin me, please! Break me. I need You to destroy me completely... I don't want to be what I am, cause who I am is what I hate most. So destroy me and then start me anew. Don't leave anything... Shatter every little piece of me and burn it, let there be no sign of what I used to be. New creation... That's what Your word says and that's what I want. I want You to ruin the old person and make a new one. I need to be new. You are a powerful God so what is it for You to break someone... I need destruction. I need renewal. Make me go away. Break me into pieces that can never be fixed... I don't want to be what I am, I don't even want to be close to what I am now. Start my ending... Make me new. Tear me down, those things I've built. "Thunder crashing, wind and rain" That's how I need You. Desperately. I'm just sick and tired of myself. I hate what sin has done with me, how it has turned me into a monster. You've risen dead people, divided seas, commanded winds to stop... So I guess one sinner is a piece of cake to You. I have known You for almost 3 years now and I feel like I'm standing in the same place I started. I really want You and want to love You and serve You but who I am is just not enough... So let there be no more 'me'. Create a new person. Put me in the place where I end and You begin. Cause I hate what I am, I hate the person sin has created me to be. I claim to be a Christian, I proclaim that You can save and give freedom from sin and yet I live in my sin. What kind of testimony, what kind of example is that? I don't want to disgrace and insult Your name... Don't let me. I know I've cried million times about the same things... Even my tears now mean nothing. Rescue me... from myself, from who I am. Make me Yours alone. Just say the word and I'll be new... Say the word, Lord, please...

I ♥ your straight black hair and black eyes... Oh, and by the way thanks for making the end of my day so awesome

Totally crappy day. I came to the conclusion that I don't like school... I don't hate it and I don't want to graduate cause I don't know what I'm gonna do after that but I didn't like school today... Well, at least the evening was great =)
OK, I've said this more than million times but I don't feel like stopping. I totally love you more than anything. I love YOU. I love your STRAIGHT, BLACK HAIR AND BLACK EYES!!! I hope our children look like you. I don't want you to feel not enough... ever. Cause you are more than enough. You are perfect.
I loved sitting next to you on that bus stop. It's so great to put my head on your shoulder and feeling your arms around me. It's my hiding place, right there, in your arms. It's my safe place. It's the place I belong and feel good, comfortable and even beautiful. Being yours is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Being smaller than you, looking up when I want to look you in the eyes, standing on my tip-toes when I want to hug you, having my hand totally get lost in yours, being able to fit perfectly in your arms... Those are the things I love. But mostly... I love being able to tell you anything, to tell you my most secret things and knowing that you won't judge me. I love telling you how my day passed and I even love complaining to you =) I love it when you laugh at me... I mean those moments when I do something silly and you start laughing at me. I loved it when you shook your head today in such a funny way... =) I love how we share the same faith, believe in the same God, have a few shared interests. You know, we have something in common... we both love each other... =) So, please, do me a favor... Forget about the things we talked about today... age, looks and stuff like that. All this doesn't matter cause I love you for who you are. I can't explain it. I guess God has given me this special love for you and maybe that's why I can't explain it. I know that you are reading this =) So while you're doing that just try to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe I love only YOU. Yeah, YOU. No one else. A song said it very well: "You make me happy to be alive"

Better...

I feel more confident about the drama... A few rehearsals today didn't make it all perfect but we're gonna get there. It's really hard... we have to synchronize the moves, we need better timing but I think we're gonna be just fine. I have a lot of things on my mind... especially with school tomorrow and that book I haven't read for literature class but somehow I feel more optimistic about everything. I have to read the Word more...
Oh, and by the way... church is beautiful after that painting... They've painted only the big hall but it's so light, so clean and looks so fresh =) It's a great thing that it's gonna be ready by Easter =)
It was great having those few minutes to talk to you... On the way to church. Mostly I talked but simply walking next to you comforts me and makes me feel better. Thanks for the ice-cream =)
I don't know why but I want to apologize for all the bad things I've done... Or maybe not bad but not exactly right. For every word I shouldn't have said, for everything I shouldn't have done. I am sorry if sometimes I make you mad or make your day worse... It's not on purpose, it's not something I want to do but it still happens. I am sorry if something is not the way you want it, if something about me is not right. I love you with all my heart and I am willing to change. I am sorry if I'm doing stuff you don't like, stuff you don't approve or stuff you don't want me to do. Even when I do stupid things or hurt you... Just remember that no matter what I love you with all my being. And I would do anything, give anything to be with you. Also... I am praying for you... never forget that. I am praying that God holds you and gives you strength and hope. I got your back =)

I suck

I hate running... I really do. I hate running from the things I shouldn't be running from. I hate running from You, from the things I should be doing. I hate how yesterday I was feeling so close to You and today it's like I made a small step back. I don't want any steps back. I want to wrap my arms around You and never let go. I hate my lack of perseverance. I hate that I can't be solid and steady. I hate that. It's my worst problem and I don't know if I can beat it. I love being with You, it's the most important thing in my life and still I manage to slip away for some time... Me time. I don't want a Me time anymore. I want You time. I want only You time. I want You to control and guide my life. I want You to fill my heart, my dreams, my thoughts, my days. I want to be with You every second. Why is it so hard? Why can't it be easy like blinking or smiling... Why can't it be natural? Why do I have to fight to be with You? I hate the fact that it's not easy. I hate when I loose that battle. I hate being far from You. It's like stop breathing... cause only with You I feel alive, I do need You like the air but it's harder to really stop breathing than to run away from You. I hate how my life is stupid and meaningless when I take a step back from Your arms... I even suck at running. I suck at living. I suck at everything concerning You. I can't even run away from You properly. This sucks... Everything sucks. I hate the fact that I'm always far from You in a very important moment of my life, when I need Your help and I can't ask for it. I hate those days when I know I'm wrong and still not willing to get right with You. I suck!!!

Things I thought about today...

I think I should slow down all this... I write every day at least 1 or 2 stuff...
I am proud of my guy... I am proud of you for apologizing to that punk. And you can't imagine how happy I am that you're finally gonna have your own drum set. I feel almost like I am getting those drums...
About today... we talked about the future and I am a little worried but I know that if we stick together and obey God He will take care of us and make everything even better than we could imagine. I trust Him with my life so I am sure that He will work things out... And as long as it's His will for us to be together He will make the best of everything. =)
I don't think I've ever told you what I'm about to write now... Do you know one of the main reasons I'm almost 100% sure that you are the one? You know how people usually date... They see each other and if they like what they see they get to know each other. With you it didn't happen like that... When I first saw you that Sunday it's not that I didn't like you... You are the most handsome guy ever... It's just that I started liking you and fell in love with you after I got to know you, after I was familiar with your personality. So I basically fell in love with you not only because of your looks... It's your heart, it's the person you are that I'm in love with... The good looks are like a bonus =)
I am ready to wait for you not 3 or 7 but million years (of course that doesn't mean you have to make me wait unnecessarily) But I love you and I will wait... It's not like I have a choice anyway.

Allow me to correct myself... I don't hate the rain... I hate when it's in my shoes or wetting my hair... That's all. I love looking at the rain from the inside but not be under its cold and wet drops. I also hate maths... And I am writing this on a day I don't have a maths class... That's gotta mean I hate it a lot.

Something else I thought of today while I was waiting in the rain for my bus... I believe in Jesus Christ and that is so amazing... I mean He is not just some Jesus, some guy who lived and did some miracles and died... He is The One who died to provide my salvation, The One who will be in my most hard times, The One who will rescue me when I call out to Him... The name of Jesus Christ is the most powerful name ever... That name gives purpose, hope, salvation, healing, life, love, forgiveness, completeness, encouragement. Jesus is not the kind of God who will condemn or judge, He doesn't hold me accountable for the things I've done... When I come to Him He doesn't want me to be cleaned first and then accept me. He wraps me in His arms the way I am... Dirty, stained, liar and hypocrite, robber and adulterer. He takes me to His home, puts me in His heart and then cleans me... Isn't it amazing how His love works? Isn't He amazing? Knowing that I am a sinful person and still His love in unconditional and unfailing. His arms will never get tired of waiting for me to come back. His heart will never be closed for me. His goodness, and mercy and forgiveness will never end. No matter how far I run His love is always there to hold me, fix me, make me new. His hands are always there to puck me up and He is always there to say: It's OK, just keep going. Can you imagine that when He created everything, when He was making the sun and the moon and the stars He knew that I will be born, that I will exist. And He loved me (and everyone else) before even my parents were born. When He was hanging on that cross He was thinking of us... each and everyone of us. We turn our backs on Him , we are so unfaithful and so mean... and still He has this simple love for us. We change our minds all the time... We are so erratic and weak and still His way of loving us never changes. No matter how unfaithful we are He is as faithful as He has always been. He won't change His mind. We will never hear Him say: I loved you but you know what... I don't anymore. Hallelujah for that. Hallelujah for everything You've done. I praise You my King for being My King. I praise You for everything You are. I praise You for the sacrifice. I praise You for Your love. I praise You for being the Best Father ever. I praise You for holding my past, my present and my future in Your hands. I praise You for Your patience. You must be patient. I can't imagine a man being so patient. Thank You for being a God, for being the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings. Thank You for changing me and for the promise never to stop doing that. Your word says that the one who loves You obeys You... That's what I'm fighting for... I want to be obedient and good and do all those things You command. Of course I have a lot to learn in that area but I want to do it and I am willing to pay the price. I want to be everything You've planned for me to be and I want to follow You no matter where You lead me. You've set my heart on fire and my soul is burning with the desire to be Yours... Yours and Yours alone. I can't imagine living without You now that I've tried from Your love and so I have no idea how people in the world manage to live without You in their lives... So I really want to go out there and proclaim Your truth, I want to go there and tell everyone that You are not a fairytale, You are not distant and You are not created by someone's imagination. YOU ARE REAL! You are alive! I want to tell everyone that there is a better way of living, that they have souls and those souls need salvation cause hell exists. I want to tell them that You've prepared a Heaven for those who believe in You. I want to go to Heaven but I don't want to go there alone... If I am going there I am totally bringing as much people with me as I can. I want people to see my life and say: There's something about this girl... She has something I don't and I want it too. I want people to see You in my life... Like the reflection of the sun in a mirror. You are already the Sun that makes everything so bright... I need to learn how to be the mirror. Help me be the mirror.

ILY2

OK... I didn't see that one coming... You've said those words a few million times, you've showed it every time you've said it... But opening that Skype window and reading what you wrote... It's just an 'I love you' and I should have probably gotten used to it... I thought I have. But reading it now, just s few minutes ago... My heart totally melted. I felt those butterflies in my stomach. I shouldn't be surprised when you say something like that and I don't know why I felt this way... You love me... That is so... I don't know... warming and pleasant to hear (or read in that case)
I love you too!

Rainy day...

I totally hate the raaaaaaaaaiiiiiin =(((( Where's my sunshine???? I want spring, summer... NO RAIN!!!!

Anyway. Today's gonna be a pretty busy day too. Mom gave me like million things to do, all the stuff I hate doing. I have some homework to do, and I don't know how I am going to get to school in one piece... It's raining =(((( Yeah, I think I mentioned that I hate the rain.

Do you really love me that much? I mean, I know you do but it's weird how you say some stuff... like you're gonna carry me to school so I don't get wet... =) Thank you for yesterday. When I called I felt really bad but you gave me some hope. Thank you, I love you. Thank you for allowing God to use you. You are an amazing friend (can't wait to be able to say an amazing husband) I love getting to know you, discovering new things about you and your personality. I love how you take care of me... You really make me feel like a princess. I thank God for choosing you to show me His love for me. You are the best gift I have ever received. I love the way you treat me, I love that you love me back =)

Thank you God for what you are doing for me. Most importantly for what you did on the cross... and for continuing to show me love... I love You!

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Wow! This was a ... hmm I don't even know how to describe this day... Spring brake is over so today was the first day of school... So it was boring... In the evening - well we are doing this thing for Easter, like a little drama for church and of course I am going to play the main role... It's something like the Lifehouse Everything Drama but still a little different. So my head is running in about 2000000 miles an hour right now... Thinking how to do it, costumes and all. I am worried to be honest cause basically I do most of the things and I'm not sure I'm good at this... I don't want to screw things up cause it's a great idea. I want to do this for God's glory... And still I feel like my peace is gone... I am so worried about stuff and thinking about so many things that it's hard to concentrate on the Reason we are all doing it... I just want everything to be OK... Not me acting good... I want people to understand everything and accept it. I want it all to work out smoothly and I want to glorify His name with this drama. Anyway.... My head's a buzz with school, the drama, being a good daughter at home, spiritual life... If anyone is really reading this could you please pray for me... Right now as you read this... just a few words to support me. Thanks.
I can't wait for summer brake... I can't wait for school to end so that I have at least one thing less to worry about... Jesus, S.O.S. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Bought. All.

This is something that makes me think...

No one is good. There is not even one. The front pages of papers of children raped by rapists, the Iraqi torture chambers. And we (the blame) claim we're blameless. Wrong. All. Swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us, this arrogance. And our only line of defense is the sense that I'm not half as bad as this friend of mine so I must be fine. We mean well. Don't we? Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free from hurt. All. This poor unfortunate soul filling a single void with toy after toy, girl after boy. How boring. This wasn't meant to be humanity's life story, warring with God saying: 'What have You done for me?'
Bought. All. Hanging out for 6 hours, marred beyond recognition, in complete submission to the Father's will. Still a proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation, with more beauty than all His creation. More eternal than eternity, more angelic than the heavenlies.
It is done.
You are bought with blood.
Accept and rejoice.
For freedom has come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSnltiQozVk&feature=related

That's love

One of my schoolmates wrote on her profile something like: Live for the pleasure, you are made of it. I was like: what? This is the kind of lies the devil is trying to sell people and he's good at it. No, i don't think we should live for the pleasures. There's much more than that. I believe that there is purpose, a reason to live and i want my life to mean something. I don't want my flesh to be good. I want my soul to live. I want to do something. Maybe not change the world but if i can touch at least one person's heart and show that person that Jesus is alive and we all need saving... That's what i want to do. God has a plan for everyone. I want to make His plan for my life reality. I want to put His words into action.

I have come to realize that i don't have much... To be honest I have nothing, nothing to give to God. But I decided that I will serve Him with everything I am. And as long as He wants me in that worship team I will be there. Jars of Clay - Little Drummer Boy. This song really inspired me. I have nothing worth to give a King but I will give the Lord all I am, all I have and I will be the best version of myself and I will do it for Him. People always say that everyone's special, unique, great and all that... That's all a lie. I'm none of that. You know why? Cause if I was special, unique and perfect I wouldn't need a Savior. But because I'm not all those things I need my Jesus. I am so dirty and bad that only the blood of God's Son could make me clean. I'm not proud of who I am... I'm proud of who my Daddy can make me.

I really don't understand God's love... Him loving ME is a concept my head cannot grasp. I don't know how a Holy God can look to me and see something worth loving. Or maybe that's the thing... He doesn't see anything worth loving and that's why He loves me. I have no idea. I can't understand why the Author of everything even bothers with me... I am so weak and I turn my back on Him all the time and still when I come back He's right there waiting like nothing happened. THAT'S LOVE. WOW! It's amazing to know that whatever you do there is someone who loves you the way you are. He doesn't want me to be the same, He wants me to change but when I come to Him He doesn't say something like: No, you first go change and then come to Me. That's so awesome. He's not a God who will condemn and kill, He's so merciful. I can't understand why people don't want to see all this. They all want to be loved and yet they hate the One who truly loves them. Why?

I thought about something today while I was in the shower (don't even know why I mentioned the shower). Isn't it great that God is who He is no matter who we are. We all have an idea of what God is... He's loving, caring, forgiving... stuff like that. Thank You God for not being what I think You are. You are so much more than what my limited mind can think of. I don't think there are suitable verbs and words that can sum up His personality. Isn't that amazing?! Knowing that we believe in a God who is more than we could ever know. Bigger than us, bigger than this planet, bigger than anything. The BIGGEST. He is so... Man I can't even describe Him. If He changed ME that makes Him a big deal... I'm probably like the worst person ever. I'm not perfect now but definitely better. I'm not who I'm supposed to be but thank God I'm not who I was. And by the mercy of God I am who I am. =)

Out of 9 I give you 10

I love your principles. I don't think I should mention the eyes... I want you to know that I'm waiting. I will be waiting as much as I have to. I love everything about you and can't wait to be with you one day. You are a gift from God to me and I don't think I'll ever thank Him enough for you. Cause you are one of the best things that have happened to me and I'm happy I have you. It makes me happy when you smile and laugh. I'm really sorry for all the times you've been talking to me and I haven't been listening... It's not that I don't care... It's just you get so excited when you tell me stuff and your eyes have this sparkle... It's probably very stupid but I find myself staring... A LOT. I love the way you always know if I'm OK or not, if I'm close to God or not... It's great that I'm like an open book to you. I love you for being able to see me even through my masks and everything. I love how you encourage me and help me... When I fall it's great to see you by my side and know that you are there to help me get up. God is totally using you... Don't you ever think you are useless or unimportant. You are such an inspiration. You are something. I've told you probably million times that I love you but words are not enough to express my love for you. People say that actions speak louder than words so... I will prove you my love by waiting for you as much as I need to. I love you... ALWAYS!!!

Music

I love discovering new songs... That inspires me somehow... So the new stuff i'm listening to is Jimmy Needham... cool =)

OK... Let's see

I have absolutely no idea what to write (or if i should at all) but I'm bored so... I guess this is it... My first blog... I'm new at this and so i don't know if anyone will ever read any of this... But to be honest i don't care... I will probably write whatever is in my head and hope that it may encourage someone else... Anyway... I think I should think about what to write before writing it... And now that my space button is totally driving me crazy i think it's enough writing for today... But there will be more from me (i hope)...