Came for us...

"First they put away the dealers,
then they put away the prostitutes,
then they shoot away the bums,
and beat and bash the queers.
Turned away the asylum seekers;
fed us with suspicions and fears.
We didn't raise our voice,
we didn't make a fuss.
It's funny there was no one left to notice
when they came for us."

The original poem:

"They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up"
Martin Niemöller

Not OK

Wow, haven't written in here for like... well, a long time. These days have been crazy and I've been a mess.
I love you my best friend/most amazing person ever/husband-to-be-one-day/the love of my life. I love you even though you didn't call (which you did but my phone didn't think it was necessary to let me know which is of course your fault cause it definitely can't be my fault... yeah, that's the golden rule... There is always someone to blame and that's never me =) ) I really got so disappointed when you didn't call cause I know you are the greatest guy ever and the greatest guy ever always calls to say sorry... and then when you told me you called but the stupid phone didn't ring I was so relieved that I am the stupid one and you did call =)

Changing the subject...

Picture something for me... You've definitely seen a junkie. If you know that person and he or she really wants to get rid of that bad addiction but he just can't... and he just goes on and on cause he can't help it. It's an addiction. And you feel sorry for that person and you know that he is a good person but this thing is just stronger... That's me. Addict. A stupid one at that. I'm sorry for the word I'm about to use, it's just the most appropriate... I'm such a jerk, such a b****. Really.
A song can say it all better than me so...

One may think we're doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We're losing ground with every passing day
We're not OK
But that's one thing I would never say to you...

Farewell to singing...

One dream down... I have this little imaginary to-do list, things I want to achieve, dreams I have... Yeah, well today I can scratch one out... When your best girlfriend who doesn't know about a certain dream of yours tells you you can't do it...well, that says it all... I really tried... With the singing stuff but I'm giving up now. I'm tired of all this... It's masochistic. It's like breaking my own heart over and over again. I really tried. I put my heart in it. And it didn't work out. So I'm done with singing. I don't want to lie to myself anymore, tell my self it's gonna happen when I know it won't. So, yeah, that's it... Goodbye...

Not a kid today... Not a kid at all...

Yeah, and I'm sorry... For all sorts of thing, for most of the things I do... I hate the fact that most of the things I do are wrong. I'm sorry for being who I am. I don't like that person. I could say I'm everything I don't like being. I'm the best christian at church and youth group but outside I'm just like everybody else and I wish I wasn't like that. I do meaningless and stupid things all day long, I shut You out... I wish I couldn't do that. I want to change, I really do, I want to leave all this behind me and move on but I keep walking the same way that I have already walked, I keep making the same mistakes I've already made... I want to make that change but it's a decision I can't bring myself to make. I have to sacrifice too many things. You see, everything I do has a little piece of me so I'm divided into one million pieces. So those things I do want my heart, my time, my devotion... I wish I could face those things and take back my pieces... Then give them to the only One Who can put them together and make my heart whole again. But it's a decision too big for me... Or I'm too small for it. Everything got so complicated, so wrong, and it used to be so easy and simple when it was just You and me against the world. And now I'm lost... I'm a mess. A big one at that. I hate myself for avoiding You and shutting You out. Cause when I hit the bottom I always come back begging for mercy and all that... So why do I have to go through all this drama. Life just gets harder, gets out of hands. Days just pass me by. I wake up in the morning and I wonder how could it be. Yesterday I was a kid and the world was pink and happy... Today it's not like that and today I am not a kid. Big decisions are waiting, knocking on my door and I know it's my call but I just stand and watch as if it's not me, as if it's not my life, as if it's someone else. And I hate that world... It's a dark place to be. It's a place where dreams come true but those dreams are all wrong. On the surface I'm OK but the inside, the heart is not OK. God is not worth all this pain and I feel like I'm crucifying Him again and again and again... Then some more. And I want to cry, I want to let it all go but it's like those eyes lost their ability to pour out tears. And I'm scared of loosing both of you. I'm scared I'm always taking the wrong road. I'm tired of this life or existence... doesn't matter how you call it. I wish I could talk to someone about all of this, share... cause it's a weight too big for a single person to carry around. Valio I wish I could talk to you, I'm sorry I can't tell you all those things... I know you'll read it all but I just can't say it to your face... I feel like I should back off for a while, stay away from you for some time. I don't want to push you away cause I love you, you are all I have now... but when I see you and I think of all those things I've done, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears right there in front of you cause you see through me, you see past the walls I've put up. I wish I could lay my head on your shoulder and tell you everything, cry... And it sucks to love you so much and not be able to be with you. I guess I should try to learn how to live with that. I should take some time to focus on other things, let you focus on God... Because you know how scared I am of loosing you. Last night was just the top of the iceberg... I just want to be a child again. I stood today at Russian class staring at the window .. I was looking at the clouds wishing I could be there, or a bird, or a tree... I wish I could be anywhere but here. Life here is just way too complicated and I am too small to face the big things that are waiting for me. Singing and all the pressure at school, and my family, and my crappy relationship with God, and you and everything... It's just too wrong. I'm just waiting to go to bed so I could fall into pieces and cry myself to sleep... Tears don't help but I've been trying to keep it together all day and now I just want to let go and let myself fall apart...

Fatherhood

Today was a pretty nice day. Church, good service, reading a lot of great quotes, walking home with the guy i love and even standing on that bus stop was great =)
And just staying at home when everyone else is going out... that is kinda new to me but it's kinda nice. =)
I should totally update my diary so that you might have other funny things to read :D

Thank You God for letting me control my own life so that I may learn that I suck at it. It's like a little child and a Father. The Father is always there to hold my hand and yet at some point I think I'm old enough and strong enough to walk on my own. So I let go. He says No. But I don't need His hand anymore. I make a few steps on my own and then of course fall... And yet there He is, right by my side even though I told Him I don't need Him. He still loves me. And He's not the kind of God who will laugh and say something like: "Ha Ha I told ya so". He comes and softly takes me by the hand, picking me up and caring me like a real Father. Yeah, that's Fatherhood. That's love. Thank You for letting me fall so that I may know that I can't walk on my own. Thank You for letting me fail so that I may realize that I need You and can't live without You. Forgive me for forgetting that.