Yeah, and I'm sorry... For all sorts of thing, for most of the things I do... I hate the fact that most of the things I do are wrong. I'm sorry for being who I am. I don't like that person. I could say I'm everything I don't like being. I'm the best christian at church and youth group but outside I'm just like everybody else and I wish I wasn't like that. I do meaningless and stupid things all day long, I shut You out... I wish I couldn't do that. I want to change, I really do, I want to leave all this behind me and move on but I keep walking the same way that I have already walked, I keep making the same mistakes I've already made... I want to make that change but it's a decision I can't bring myself to make. I have to sacrifice too many things. You see, everything I do has a little piece of me so I'm divided into one million pieces. So those things I do want my heart, my time, my devotion... I wish I could face those things and take back my pieces... Then give them to the only One Who can put them together and make my heart whole again. But it's a decision too big for me... Or I'm too small for it. Everything got so complicated, so wrong, and it used to be so easy and simple when it was just You and me against the world. And now I'm lost... I'm a mess. A big one at that. I hate myself for avoiding You and shutting You out. Cause when I hit the bottom I always come back begging for mercy and all that... So why do I have to go through all this drama. Life just gets harder, gets out of hands. Days just pass me by. I wake up in the morning and I wonder how could it be. Yesterday I was a kid and the world was pink and happy... Today it's not like that and today I am not a kid. Big decisions are waiting, knocking on my door and I know it's my call but I just stand and watch as if it's not me, as if it's not my life, as if it's someone else. And I hate that world... It's a dark place to be. It's a place where dreams come true but those dreams are all wrong. On the surface I'm OK but the inside, the heart is not OK. God is not worth all this pain and I feel like I'm crucifying Him again and again and again... Then some more. And I want to cry, I want to let it all go but it's like those eyes lost their ability to pour out tears. And I'm scared of loosing both of you. I'm scared I'm always taking the wrong road. I'm tired of this life or existence... doesn't matter how you call it. I wish I could talk to someone about all of this, share... cause it's a weight too big for a single person to carry around. Valio I wish I could talk to you, I'm sorry I can't tell you all those things... I know you'll read it all but I just can't say it to your face... I feel like I should back off for a while, stay away from you for some time. I don't want to push you away cause I love you, you are all I have now... but when I see you and I think of all those things I've done, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears right there in front of you cause you see through me, you see past the walls I've put up. I wish I could lay my head on your shoulder and tell you everything, cry... And it sucks to love you so much and not be able to be with you. I guess I should try to learn how to live with that. I should take some time to focus on other things, let you focus on God... Because you know how scared I am of loosing you. Last night was just the top of the iceberg... I just want to be a child again. I stood today at Russian class staring at the window .. I was looking at the clouds wishing I could be there, or a bird, or a tree... I wish I could be anywhere but here. Life here is just way too complicated and I am too small to face the big things that are waiting for me. Singing and all the pressure at school, and my family, and my crappy relationship with God, and you and everything... It's just too wrong. I'm just waiting to go to bed so I could fall into pieces and cry myself to sleep... Tears don't help but I've been trying to keep it together all day and now I just want to let go and let myself fall apart...
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