Just some stuff about my life

I've been a real bitch - I know. I wasn't planning on crying while writing this but now I just can't help myself. I was supposed to be all hard core but I guess I'm not. I can't explain the things I do nor give a good reason about the things I don't do. I don't know what's the heart of the matter. Maybe I'm just not that steady, maybe I'm just the kind of person who gets blown away by the first wind. Maybe I chicken out when I see a storm coming. Maybe I just got disappointed in people, mostly people from church cause by the way I see it it's far from where it's supposed to be. I know that there is no perfect church and I know that the church has made a lot of progress the last couple of years but it's not how I imagine it should be. Correct me if I'm wrong or unreasonable but there should be love and humbled people obeying God. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, I'm clearly the last person who can do that cause I'm not who I should be... And maybe everyone in church is something like me... broken, desperate, lost... I don't want to be where I am, really. But I am here. It takes a lot not be here and I'm not sure I can sacrifice, it's hard and discouraging sometimes. I don't want to be a quitter cause I believe that I'm not. I am scared as hell of dying cause I know that if I do I ain't going to the place I need to go. I just lost my hope, my focus. I know I should believe without proof but here I am, not doubting... just needing something new, needing a change, some hope to keep on going. Cause if I don't get that I will be back here in this bottom in a few months. I need to believe that I'm worth saving... not worthy... I know I'm not worthy, just wanna know I'm enough cause I've been raised and told that I'm anything but enough. I am being treated like crap. I don't want to sound like a victim, I know I've done my share of bad things, I offend people sometimes but I'm trying not to and it seems like no matter what I do my parents are never satisfied with me. I am scared that I'm gonna be just like my mom. Don't get me wrong... She's an amazing person, she's strong, I admire her for going through so many things, dealing with all this pain and still holding on to her faith... That is awesome, really, but she doesn't know how to appreciate, how to love people for who they are, how to believe in them. Maybe it's because no one appreciated her, or loved her for who she is but there comes a moment when things need to change. I don't want to be smashed cause I don't want to smash. I don't want to have to explain to my children in a few years that the reason I don't appreciate them is because I haven't been taught better. I don't want to be the person who will make her children cry themselves to sleep, I don't want my children to feel the pain I've felt of always having to compete with perfection. I don't want anyone feeding my ego... I just want to know I'm OK, I just want her to see me trying, I want her to tell me to keep on trying and that she believes in me, I want her to believe in me, just one tiny bit of faith. I need to believe that I am a fine person...
I am curly and skinny (and not many people are), I'm a mess sometimes but I am also funny sometimes, I am kinda smart, I'm an almost straight A student, I'm intelligent, I can cook, I can clean, take care of children, I am talkative and nice to people, I am friendly, I like to encourage others, I want to be good, I can draw a bit, I have a descent taste in music, I am constantly blown by the wind and it takes me places I don't want to go but I always come back...crying on my knees, crushed and broken but I always end up in the right place, I always come back to that throne... I guess I can tell right from wrong, I am witty, sometimes reliable, I believe in good of people, I am an optimist, I am a dreamer, I love chocolate and food and snow and summer and colorful, flowery, cute stuff, I love my friends and I'm trying to be a good friend and choose my friends wisely. I am impulsive and emotional, not even slightly rational and considerable, and I laugh too much, too loud and at all the wrong moments, I say the wrong stuff to the wrong people, I blush, I overreact and I'm practically a drama queen, I get too emotional and I make stupid decisions, I don't always listen to my parents, I watch too many movies and waste my time doing meaningless things, I wear too many necklaces and bracelets, my favorite sneakers are too red and dirty, my shirts too open, I talk way too much... But it's who I am. That is who Katie is. This is who God made me to be, that is how God loves me. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I got nothing more to give. I never promised to be perfect, I fail but at least I'm trying. It's better than doing nothing. I'm not enough for you, I know, but it's not because I'm a bad person or because I lack something... It's because you made up your mind to shut me out and made up your mind that I will never be enough for you...
I'm not the perfect daughter.
I'm not the perfect person.
I'm not the perfect girl.
I'm not the perfect student.
I'm not the perfect sister.
I'm not the perfect friend.
Surely not the perfect Christian.
BUT I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, I FIGHT AS HARD AS I CAN
And if that's still not enough for you... it's your loss then... There's nothing more I can do. I just need to remind myself that the next time you ruin the stuff I've been trying to build all this time...

"You're sick"

Thank you, my dear friend for praying for me cause I know that you do. Thank you for being next to me, for supporting me, helping me, loving me... for just accepting me for who I am. Sometimes when I'm not OK, sad or something and you wonder what's wrong... Just to let you know... Sometimes I don't need much, i don't want presents or other things to make me smile... Sometimes, pretty often actually I just need to know that the person I've become is OK. I don't need to hear that I'm special or amazing or anything like that. I just want to know that who I am is enough for you, i just need to be accepted for who I am. I am told I'm stupid and sick and all that... So i need you to prove to me I'm not all those things. Tell me I'm not sick, or stupid or useless... Tell me I'm OK, tell me I'm fine and normal. My mom always used to tell me that if you say black, black is it gonna be... And I'm afraid that if they keep calling me stupid and sick I'm gonna end up being like that.

Life Officially Sucks... Big Time

They say things can always be worse and I'm sure it's like that but right now it's the worse that could be... My dad lost his job and he's probably not gonna look for another one, so we're gonna have to find a way to live ... Probably gonna cut off phones and internet and all that... I just don't know how we're gonna make it, I'm graduating next year, i wanna go to college... Life sucks. I'm just in this dark place right now, they tell me to believe that God's gonna fix everything but it's kinda hard when you're not exactly going through all of it yourself. I just want some more teenage years, i wanna be a kid... And i see my childhood crumbling down in front of my eyes. So is this the adult world? You worry about money, about tomorrow? Is that it? Cause if it is I don't want to be a part of it. If that is the adult world i would like to stay a kid. Stay tuned for some more crappy stuff that are gonna happen...

My Amazing Family

She said that what I do is a waste of time... my drawings. She said it doesn't matter.

I told her my back and my knee hurt, she came to me and told me to pray for my brother.

I told her I have the best grade on my math test from the whole class... she said OK.

I asked her to help me get my plaster off... She said that's not important now, I'll help you later. She didn't help me.

He said there was no point for me to go to college.

She said I'm useless.

Make me smile...

I want to ask you for something... I need you to do something for me. You are all I have now so there's no one else to turn to... And even if there was someone else I would still turn to you... Anyway... I'm not in my right place, I need you to really pray for me... really really hard. I know that you do that but I'm very serious... I need you to back me up cause I'm losing the ground under my feet and I need you to help me pull it back together. I trust you. I love you. And now I really need you. I've always needed you but this time I need you to really support me, not tell anyone about this... Just me and you... And I need you to fight for me, be strong for me. Just be with me and promise that no matter what you'll always be by my side to take care of me. When you read this... don't ask me about it. I need you to just do what I asked. I wrote it here cause it's easier, you can't ask questions. So please, don't expect me to explain. Just be with me in this. Be with me. Fight for me. Fight for yourself and for me. Fight hard cause I really need you...

Remember you sent me this picture... and we laughed about it... But I need you to keep that promise. Make me smile... I haven't done that in such a long time... Make me smile...