Just some stuff about my life

I've been a real bitch - I know. I wasn't planning on crying while writing this but now I just can't help myself. I was supposed to be all hard core but I guess I'm not. I can't explain the things I do nor give a good reason about the things I don't do. I don't know what's the heart of the matter. Maybe I'm just not that steady, maybe I'm just the kind of person who gets blown away by the first wind. Maybe I chicken out when I see a storm coming. Maybe I just got disappointed in people, mostly people from church cause by the way I see it it's far from where it's supposed to be. I know that there is no perfect church and I know that the church has made a lot of progress the last couple of years but it's not how I imagine it should be. Correct me if I'm wrong or unreasonable but there should be love and humbled people obeying God. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, I'm clearly the last person who can do that cause I'm not who I should be... And maybe everyone in church is something like me... broken, desperate, lost... I don't want to be where I am, really. But I am here. It takes a lot not be here and I'm not sure I can sacrifice, it's hard and discouraging sometimes. I don't want to be a quitter cause I believe that I'm not. I am scared as hell of dying cause I know that if I do I ain't going to the place I need to go. I just lost my hope, my focus. I know I should believe without proof but here I am, not doubting... just needing something new, needing a change, some hope to keep on going. Cause if I don't get that I will be back here in this bottom in a few months. I need to believe that I'm worth saving... not worthy... I know I'm not worthy, just wanna know I'm enough cause I've been raised and told that I'm anything but enough. I am being treated like crap. I don't want to sound like a victim, I know I've done my share of bad things, I offend people sometimes but I'm trying not to and it seems like no matter what I do my parents are never satisfied with me. I am scared that I'm gonna be just like my mom. Don't get me wrong... She's an amazing person, she's strong, I admire her for going through so many things, dealing with all this pain and still holding on to her faith... That is awesome, really, but she doesn't know how to appreciate, how to love people for who they are, how to believe in them. Maybe it's because no one appreciated her, or loved her for who she is but there comes a moment when things need to change. I don't want to be smashed cause I don't want to smash. I don't want to have to explain to my children in a few years that the reason I don't appreciate them is because I haven't been taught better. I don't want to be the person who will make her children cry themselves to sleep, I don't want my children to feel the pain I've felt of always having to compete with perfection. I don't want anyone feeding my ego... I just want to know I'm OK, I just want her to see me trying, I want her to tell me to keep on trying and that she believes in me, I want her to believe in me, just one tiny bit of faith. I need to believe that I am a fine person...
I am curly and skinny (and not many people are), I'm a mess sometimes but I am also funny sometimes, I am kinda smart, I'm an almost straight A student, I'm intelligent, I can cook, I can clean, take care of children, I am talkative and nice to people, I am friendly, I like to encourage others, I want to be good, I can draw a bit, I have a descent taste in music, I am constantly blown by the wind and it takes me places I don't want to go but I always come back...crying on my knees, crushed and broken but I always end up in the right place, I always come back to that throne... I guess I can tell right from wrong, I am witty, sometimes reliable, I believe in good of people, I am an optimist, I am a dreamer, I love chocolate and food and snow and summer and colorful, flowery, cute stuff, I love my friends and I'm trying to be a good friend and choose my friends wisely. I am impulsive and emotional, not even slightly rational and considerable, and I laugh too much, too loud and at all the wrong moments, I say the wrong stuff to the wrong people, I blush, I overreact and I'm practically a drama queen, I get too emotional and I make stupid decisions, I don't always listen to my parents, I watch too many movies and waste my time doing meaningless things, I wear too many necklaces and bracelets, my favorite sneakers are too red and dirty, my shirts too open, I talk way too much... But it's who I am. That is who Katie is. This is who God made me to be, that is how God loves me. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I got nothing more to give. I never promised to be perfect, I fail but at least I'm trying. It's better than doing nothing. I'm not enough for you, I know, but it's not because I'm a bad person or because I lack something... It's because you made up your mind to shut me out and made up your mind that I will never be enough for you...
I'm not the perfect daughter.
I'm not the perfect person.
I'm not the perfect girl.
I'm not the perfect student.
I'm not the perfect sister.
I'm not the perfect friend.
Surely not the perfect Christian.
BUT I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, I FIGHT AS HARD AS I CAN
And if that's still not enough for you... it's your loss then... There's nothing more I can do. I just need to remind myself that the next time you ruin the stuff I've been trying to build all this time...