S. & B. =)

It's funny to search for something for a long period of time just to find out it has been under your nose all along. I needed a friend and was sad because I couldn't find one. I thought it would be an elder woman from church or something like that... Instead I found comfort in a quiet 17 year old girl that has been a friend of mine for at least 2 years now... A few days ago i realized she was the friend i was looking for... My best girl friend. I spend half of the day with her at school so it's very cool. And it even rhymes. She's crazyyyyyy and I love that about her. We go shopping together. We like the same clothes and shoes and bags.. Sometimes. She's the nicest girl I know. And I can tell her anything... Even thought she's not a Christian... I mean she's 50/50. I'll make sure it's 100% when she moves to Shumen. I love you S. Phhh sounds like in that show... :D
"You know you love me. x.o.x.o. Gossip Girl" :D:D:D:D

That little girl and her little Book

I guess I shouldn't be surprised... After every good moment in life there's a bad one... Had a great day today at church and so there had to be something bad to compensate the good part...You just don't expect your father to get so mad about such a small insignificant thing... It's not normal for a girl to be scared of her dad... I mean yeah, he's right to be mad at me and yell at me... But he's not supposed to use physical strength. It left me broken and hurt. And it's not the physical pain that is so bad... It's the idea that a strong man like him can hit a girl like me without even thinking... He hasn't beat me up or anything... But it still hurts. So bad. I'm small, what am I in front of a man like him? I'm supposed to be the little girl he's proud of, the little girl he protects and loves. Instead I'm the little girl who's always not right, always does the wrong things, is always lazy and stupid. Lord help me cause i don't know how much more brokenness i can take...

What it's like to be tired

I really am. In every aspect, in every way... Every part of me is crying for rest. My life right now can be put into a quote from Nelly Furtado's song...

I see you standing there wanting more from me and all i can do is try..

Everyone wants something from me... And I try... And then they want more... More from me, some... More than me... But I'm like this... This is what I am and being not enough is not a pleasant feeling. I just can't be everything to everyone... I'm not Paul... He could do it. And I just can't.

Since 12.09.09 I love you more

Since 12.09.09 I love you more. I thought a lot about what I would say and how I would say it. But it worked out better than I could imagine... You made me fall in love with you all over again. I am sorry I started doubting whether I love you or not... I don't even know why such thoughts invaded my mind. But since last night I love you more. I love you for telling me all those things and not judging me after what I told you. I love you for having the courage to admit those things. You just sat there telling me all those things that prove how imperfect you are and it made me love you more than you could imagine. It proved that you are a real man, a man not afraid to put a name on his weaknesses. I love you for fighting to be better. I'll try to remember how I felt that night so that if doubts come again I can chase them away. I love you for who you are, for the strong man you are. For those principles, for your courage and mind... Thank you for encouraging me and showing me that Christianity still means something to someone.

I know the cake looks funny Daddy but I sure tried...

I hope I finish this one cause all the other times I started i wrote about 3-4 lines... So many things to say... I'm confused and motivated and excited and tired... A little bit of everything.
There's this song... Bob Carlisle - Butterfly Kisses. I can't let go of it. It makes me cry every time I listen to it. I wish my dad would say things like that to me... I wish he remembered and knew all those things about me. And instead...

Something changed... But I can't say. I'm in this place where I don't know where I am. And I want to go back to when I loved You more than anything else. To the time when all I had was You and it was more than enough. To when it was simple - You, me, them. To when I would listen. To when my pure dreams didn't get in Your way. And instead... Stuck here...