Обичам те

He works hard for the things he wants.
He has dreams and pursues them.
He is good and compassionate.
He helps people.
He knows the value of everything.
He is not like others.
He is loving and caring.
He doesn't say much but knows what to say in every situation.
He is a good friend.
He listens.
He is wise.
He knows how to love.
He advises.
He is not unbreakable.
But every time he breaks he finds the courage to rebuild himself again.
He is not perfect.
But he is unbelievably amazing.
He loves the truth and hates everything that is untrue.
He is not fearless.
But he faces his fears.
He does not lie because truth is deeply woven into everything he is.
He is a warrior.
He is dangerous.
He gets tired.
But fights to his last breath.
He is patient.
He is strong.
He fails.
But he does not give up.
He is brave.
He is gentle.
He is loved.
He is saved.
He matters.
He follows the steps of a Savior.
He is not rich nor famous but Jesus knows his name.
He is here to change the world.
He is created by God.
A real man is what he is.
And MAN is his name.

Yet again...

Where do I begin...

I hate it. All of it. I hate being the little girl in the family. I hate being told that I'm stupid and ugly. I hate being underestimated. I hate crying in my bed at 2 am in the morning. I hate the fact that I need people to like me and approve of me because my family doesn't.

I realized how some things work with people. There is a formula for everything. It's all on some subconscious level. Last Saturday and Sunday I was told about 200 times that I'm stupid and I should shut up. Then my sister made me angry and I realized I am telling her the same things she is telling me. And I just stopped. I don't want to do the things that have been done to me. I don't want my family to define who I am and my past to determine my future. I don't want to be mean. But I realize sometimes that I just can't escape from it. I do it unconsciously. I do things that I don't want to do because this is the example I've been given. I don't want to use this as an excuse to being mean to people. But I told my sister she's stupid because that's what I've heard about myself. And then I realized I shouldn't be doing this and I stopped. But when does this end? When are they gonna realize that I am a human being, a girl. I'm not Einstein but I'm not dumb either. I'm only 17 but I still have an opinion and sometimes the things I want to say, the ideas I have are not that bad. I'm not a straight A student but I am trying. I don't always do the right thing but I don't do drugs, I don't go to clubs and get wasted, I don't jump into guy's beds. And still I'm the bad kid in the family. And it's not a pleasant feeling. And on that Sunday family reunion I realized that something's gotta change or I'm gonna be the bad kid all my life. They were all so disappointed when I told them I want to be a teacher and yet no one even asked why I want that. No one wanted to know what my motives are. It just looks like a circle...

Kino apologizing to Vivi =)

I'm sorry... About everything. Mostly about last night. I shouldn't have said all those things. I am being selfish. You have your own life, responsibilities, things you do and I shouldn't get in the way. We both agreed to stop calling and going out and I am sorry I'm not keeping my part of the deal. It's simply selfish and stupid to rely on you like that... more than I should. I mean it's not normal for me to be your top priority and I don't want that. So I'm sorry I hurt you last night. I promise I'm gonna try to do better.
I am really sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly and now that I am... I feel stupid for wanting all those things from you. I know you care and you think about me and it really doesn't matter that you have to remind yourself to call me... You do have a lot of things to do, it's normal. So I give up, admitting that the fight was stupid and I shouldn't have started it in the first place. And I apologize.

Not a flower

Well, it's been nothing... It's back and forth again and again. And then feeling too stupid to go back and fix everything cause you know you'll mess it up again. So I've been spending my days running and hiding behind school and doctors and books. Feels like it's been like this forever. I really do need a change of scene... Something new to happen... And until it does... School, doctors and books.