Yet again...

Where do I begin...

I hate it. All of it. I hate being the little girl in the family. I hate being told that I'm stupid and ugly. I hate being underestimated. I hate crying in my bed at 2 am in the morning. I hate the fact that I need people to like me and approve of me because my family doesn't.

I realized how some things work with people. There is a formula for everything. It's all on some subconscious level. Last Saturday and Sunday I was told about 200 times that I'm stupid and I should shut up. Then my sister made me angry and I realized I am telling her the same things she is telling me. And I just stopped. I don't want to do the things that have been done to me. I don't want my family to define who I am and my past to determine my future. I don't want to be mean. But I realize sometimes that I just can't escape from it. I do it unconsciously. I do things that I don't want to do because this is the example I've been given. I don't want to use this as an excuse to being mean to people. But I told my sister she's stupid because that's what I've heard about myself. And then I realized I shouldn't be doing this and I stopped. But when does this end? When are they gonna realize that I am a human being, a girl. I'm not Einstein but I'm not dumb either. I'm only 17 but I still have an opinion and sometimes the things I want to say, the ideas I have are not that bad. I'm not a straight A student but I am trying. I don't always do the right thing but I don't do drugs, I don't go to clubs and get wasted, I don't jump into guy's beds. And still I'm the bad kid in the family. And it's not a pleasant feeling. And on that Sunday family reunion I realized that something's gotta change or I'm gonna be the bad kid all my life. They were all so disappointed when I told them I want to be a teacher and yet no one even asked why I want that. No one wanted to know what my motives are. It just looks like a circle...