A few days ago a friend of mine asked a simple question... "Who are you?"
And I said: "The stupid girl who got dumped and still loves the guy who dumped her"
I define myself with you. You loving me means I'm good and happy... But you leaving me means I'm not enough.
While I was praying on Sunday a friend of mine came up to me and told me those simple words which at first I didn't understand... "You are a servant of God". What? Sounded like another cliche... But then I realized what it meant. It meant that I'm not "The stupid girl who got dumped and still loves the guy who dumped her". I am so much more than that. I'm not my own. I'm not yours. I'm His.
And I write all those things here, hoping that you will read them because I cannot talk to you... I don't want to be annoying and disturb you when you clearly don't want me. You just became so distant, I feel like I don't know you anymore. Tanya told me once, a looong time ago... that you are the kind of guy who would choose his way and walk till the end. I guess she was wrong. But I'm not blaming you. I know you were honest, you were good to me, and you loved me and you didn't plan, and maybe didn't want this to happen. But it did. So I can't change it. I can only silently love you and pray for you. I'll try not to be in your way. I'll be silent and patient, I won't advise, I won't try to tell you what to do nor how to do it. I'll leave you in God's hands, hoping that He's gonna take good care of you and give you what you need. I promise I'll be nobody if I have to, if you want me to... Just as long as you're ok... And me? I'll be fine... Eventually... One day... I hope...
I am trying hard to be with God and let Him love me and heal me. And even though I cannot feel Him, even though sometimes pain overcomes... I will keep on trying. And God does not turn His back on those who rely on Him. He will not ignore the voice that is calling for His help. So even if answers and healing come in 10 years... Fine. I'll be waiting and praying. I don't know how I am going to live, I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who I'm supposed to be, nor where... I don't know if I should keep loving you and waiting for you... I simply have no idea. But I know one thing for sure...
Even if the answers never come I will still be waiting on the Lord...
понеделник, 8 февруари 2010 г.
четвъртък, 4 февруари 2010 г.
The past 2 months
Oh my, I think I'm gonna explode with all these feeling inside of me. Life got so hard and complicated... but that's not the real problem.
I've been trying to do something I can't do. And so I thought... maybe if I take those feelings out, if I write it honestly... it might help. So maybe being honest with yourself is one of the first steps... So here I go...
I miss you so much. And not the physical aspect. I miss you, YOU! I've been trying to forget about you, I tried to move on, focus on God... And I can't do it. You're all I think about. And we don't talk anymore, you don't care anymore, you don't want to know what's going on with me... And it hurts so bad. I fell ever more in love with you. Remembering everything that happened... I realized how deep and real my love for you is. And I wish I could fix things, I wish I could go back in time and try not to do all those things that drew you away. I wish I could be someone you could love forever.
I'm going to keep on trying to focus on God and maybe forget you.
I don't want to sound mean... but I gave you all I had, I loved you with all my heart, I loved you even when you were broken, I stood by you every single day, supported you, tried to help you, I prayed for you, I forgave and forgot, I sacrificed, I ignored my pride and my ego for you, I listened to you, I cared about you, I was faithful and honest, not always right but I was there for you every time you needed me, I loved you even when you hated yourself, I fought for you even when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself... I did all this out of love and I don't regret doing it... But if after all this you could still walk away so easily and forget about me... Then maybe you're not the one.
I know you apologized... But I didn't need your apology... I needed you to stay and fight for us. And you didn't do it. So I'll try my best to forget. It won't be easy, I know. I realized lately that most of my dreams were somehow connected to you... So basically, I need new ones. I need you so badly. So I don't know how am I going to live without you... All I know is that I'm gonna have to learn. Cause clearly, you're not coming back.
I put away the pictures, the presents, the letters... But that doesn't erase you from my heart. And I pray that God may help me get through this and still believe in love and trust people.
I love how ridiculous you are sometimes. I love how passionate you get when it comes to playing drums. I love to watch you pray, how you bow your head and close your eyes to talk to God. I love how you hold on to the things you believe in. I love how caring you are to your friends. I love how you keep walking even when your legs are failing you. I love how easy it is to talk to you. I love how you see me... Or how you used to see me, you don't even look anymore. I just love everything there is in you. And I hope you find someone else who's gonna love you like that, someone you're gonna love back. I'm not one of a kind, I'm not perfect, I'm not the most amazing girl in the world... But one thing about me is quite unique... The way that when I love someone I love them with all my heart, truly, honestly. I hope you find that one day.
I've been trying to do something I can't do. And so I thought... maybe if I take those feelings out, if I write it honestly... it might help. So maybe being honest with yourself is one of the first steps... So here I go...
I miss you so much. And not the physical aspect. I miss you, YOU! I've been trying to forget about you, I tried to move on, focus on God... And I can't do it. You're all I think about. And we don't talk anymore, you don't care anymore, you don't want to know what's going on with me... And it hurts so bad. I fell ever more in love with you. Remembering everything that happened... I realized how deep and real my love for you is. And I wish I could fix things, I wish I could go back in time and try not to do all those things that drew you away. I wish I could be someone you could love forever.
I'm going to keep on trying to focus on God and maybe forget you.
I don't want to sound mean... but I gave you all I had, I loved you with all my heart, I loved you even when you were broken, I stood by you every single day, supported you, tried to help you, I prayed for you, I forgave and forgot, I sacrificed, I ignored my pride and my ego for you, I listened to you, I cared about you, I was faithful and honest, not always right but I was there for you every time you needed me, I loved you even when you hated yourself, I fought for you even when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself... I did all this out of love and I don't regret doing it... But if after all this you could still walk away so easily and forget about me... Then maybe you're not the one.
I know you apologized... But I didn't need your apology... I needed you to stay and fight for us. And you didn't do it. So I'll try my best to forget. It won't be easy, I know. I realized lately that most of my dreams were somehow connected to you... So basically, I need new ones. I need you so badly. So I don't know how am I going to live without you... All I know is that I'm gonna have to learn. Cause clearly, you're not coming back.
I put away the pictures, the presents, the letters... But that doesn't erase you from my heart. And I pray that God may help me get through this and still believe in love and trust people.
I love how ridiculous you are sometimes. I love how passionate you get when it comes to playing drums. I love to watch you pray, how you bow your head and close your eyes to talk to God. I love how you hold on to the things you believe in. I love how caring you are to your friends. I love how you keep walking even when your legs are failing you. I love how easy it is to talk to you. I love how you see me... Or how you used to see me, you don't even look anymore. I just love everything there is in you. And I hope you find someone else who's gonna love you like that, someone you're gonna love back. I'm not one of a kind, I'm not perfect, I'm not the most amazing girl in the world... But one thing about me is quite unique... The way that when I love someone I love them with all my heart, truly, honestly. I hope you find that one day.
вторник, 2 февруари 2010 г.
Кой?
Кой позволи сълзи да има във очите ти, момиче?
Кой сложи всички теготи на твойте малки рамене?
Кой видя скритата тъга и те подмина?
Кой събори те и остави те на колене?
Кой тръгна си когато рушеше се света?
Кой остави те сама, разбита, уморена?
Кой мечтаеше горещо, но не бе ти негова мечта?
Кой имаше спасение, а те остави неспасена?
Кой тръгна си без да се обръща?
Кой разбити мечтите ти остави?
Кой реши да не те целува, да не те прегръща?
Кой успя бъдеще без теб да си представи?
Кой пожела да си отиде веднъж прекрачил твоя праг?
Кой обикна те повърхностно, за малко?
Кой вместо да те пази избра да ти е враг?
Кой нарани те тъй без да му е жалко?
Кой не остави отворена за теб врата?
Кой толкова бързо и лесно те забрави?
Кой намери те сама и подари ти още самота?
Кой разруши те и не остана за да те поправи?
Кой избра без тебе да се смее?
Кой в ръцете си не те побра?
Кой научи се и без тебе да живее?
Кой намери друга, по-добра?
Кой пожела си искрена любов, но теб не пожела?
Кой погледна те и не разбра каква си?
Кой отряза твойте приказни крила?
Кой можеше да избере... и избра си да те мрази?
Кой волята ти във вериги окова?
Кой грижи вложи в дните безметежни?
Кой не се влюби в теб, в твоята душа?
Кой отказа ръчичките ти малки, детски, нежни?
А всъщност...
Някой изтри ли сълзите ти, момиче?
Някой махна ли теготите от твойте малки рамене?
Някой видя ли скритата тъга без да те подмине?
Някой повдигна ли те от твойте колене?
Кой сложи всички теготи на твойте малки рамене?
Кой видя скритата тъга и те подмина?
Кой събори те и остави те на колене?
Кой тръгна си когато рушеше се света?
Кой остави те сама, разбита, уморена?
Кой мечтаеше горещо, но не бе ти негова мечта?
Кой имаше спасение, а те остави неспасена?
Кой тръгна си без да се обръща?
Кой разбити мечтите ти остави?
Кой реши да не те целува, да не те прегръща?
Кой успя бъдеще без теб да си представи?
Кой пожела да си отиде веднъж прекрачил твоя праг?
Кой обикна те повърхностно, за малко?
Кой вместо да те пази избра да ти е враг?
Кой нарани те тъй без да му е жалко?
Кой не остави отворена за теб врата?
Кой толкова бързо и лесно те забрави?
Кой намери те сама и подари ти още самота?
Кой разруши те и не остана за да те поправи?
Кой избра без тебе да се смее?
Кой в ръцете си не те побра?
Кой научи се и без тебе да живее?
Кой намери друга, по-добра?
Кой пожела си искрена любов, но теб не пожела?
Кой погледна те и не разбра каква си?
Кой отряза твойте приказни крила?
Кой можеше да избере... и избра си да те мрази?
Кой волята ти във вериги окова?
Кой грижи вложи в дните безметежни?
Кой не се влюби в теб, в твоята душа?
Кой отказа ръчичките ти малки, детски, нежни?
А всъщност...
Някой изтри ли сълзите ти, момиче?
Някой махна ли теготите от твойте малки рамене?
Някой видя ли скритата тъга без да те подмине?
Някой повдигна ли те от твойте колене?
понеделник, 1 февруари 2010 г.
Момиче и свят
Там, в дъното на гардероба, имам аз една кутийка.
Шарена, красива... мъничко вълшебна, може да се каже.
В нея има всичко за да си направя мой свят.
Отворих я и нахлуха в мен мечти, зелени, с мирис на трева.
Няколко капки мляко и ето го Млечния път.
Извадих мъничко памук, смесих го със захар, сложих розова боя...
Това са облаците на планетата Земя.
Магичен сребърен прашец посипах,
направих си звезди
за да може морякът път да намери към дома.
Сложих и счупено копче за луна.
А през деня има кръгло топче,
слънце ще е то,
по моя часовник изгрява,
залязва когато позволя.
Звездите малко ми се сториха...
Затова посипах още, а нали знаеш, никога не са излишни.
Мъничко зелен конец ще свърши работа - имаме трева,
а мънистата са за цветя.
А когато омръзне ми лятото и ми се прииска студ,
за да имам оправдание да се гушна в някого...
за тези времена имам малко сол.
Посипвам я и ето - бял снежец покрива моя свят.
За дъжд имам аз сълзи, колкото поискаш.
И когато ми е тъжно, мрачно и самотно ще вали и ще вали.
Докато не реша да спре.
После разбира се дъга ще има, без дъгата дъждът нищо не е.
Те си знаят, че един без друг не могат, но са твърде горди за да си признаят.
В моя свят няма пътни знаци, няма отговори...
Просто защото всеки знае накъде да ходи и защото няма там въпроси.
Изрязах от хартия много сърчица в случай, че някой закопнее за любов.
А със сешоара правя вятър... за да брули клони, шалчета, коси...
Или просто защото без вятър не може. Вятърът прави света да се върти.
И така създадох този свят, приказен, вълшебен, само мой.
Как искам да остана,
тук живота си да построя,
тук със сърцето си да обичам,
градина да си засадя,
да плувам в локви от дъждовна вода,
а когато искам - да ридая, да се смея, глупаво да гледам,
по улиците мои.
По тези улици които нямат пътни знаци да танцувам
боса, дива и красива.
И няма да знам нито един отговор...
Ще оставя вятъра да излекува всичко,
дъждът сълзите да измие.
Но ако случайно и този свят стане зъл и неприветлив,
ако гневът замести усмивката,
ако цветята увяхнат и глобално затопляне разтопи моя сняг...
Тогава ще си направя гардероб...
И там, в дъното на гардероба,
ще си имам аз една кутиийка.
Шерена, красива... със сигурност мъничко вълшебна...
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