Letter to my younger self...

Hello me...

I wish I could go back in time now and tell you all the things you needed to know, answer some of your questions.
I wish I could travel back and tell you that you are beautiful no matter what others say, no matter what others don't say.
I would have told you that you are a nice person.
I would have told you that you are strong and captivating so that you may never expect others to think that of you.
I would have told you to stay away from some people.
I would have told you not to open up your heart so much.
I would have taught you not to bite your nails.
I would have taught you how not to believe people when they say certain things.
I would have also told you that I am proud of you.
I would have been there for you when you were crying so that you could hug me instead of bears or blankets.
I would have asked you to study harder so that your mom and dad might be proud of you.
I would have taught you to wear more skirts and heels so that your sister might think you are pretty and look like a girl.
I would have shown you the future so that you would know what to do, what not to do and maybe then you wouldn't have been so confused.
I would have walked with you so that you wouldn't have to walk alone.
I would have told you not to talk so much.
I would have told you to keep your head up and never give up.
I would have asked you not to become who I am now.


But...


I never went back in time. I never came to see you. I never told you the things you needed to know and never answered your questions. And so you grew up not knowing.
I never told you that you are beautiful. So looking in the mirror you were never satisfied.
I never told you that you are a nice person so you never thought that of yourself.
I never told you that you are strong and captivating so you expected others to tell you that... But they never did. So you were disappointed.
I never told you to stay away from some people so you never stayed away and they hurt you.
I never told you not to open up your heart so much and so you opened it too much. And it got damaged.
I never taught you how not to bite your nails and so you still do that.
I never told you not to believe certain things people say so you believed every word.
I never told you that I am proud of you and so you have never known what that feels like.
I was never there for you when you were crying and so you hugged cold bears and senseless blankets.
I never asked you to study harder so you never did and your parents were never satisfied with you.
I never taught you to wear more skirts and heels so you wore jeans and t shirts and sneakers and your sister has never thought you are pretty.
I never showed you the future and so you never knew what to do, what not to do and you went through those years being confused.
I never walked with you and so you had to walk alone many times.
I never told you not to talk so much so you talked way too much.
I never told you to keep your head up and not give up and so you did those things so many times.
I never asked you not to become who I am now... And so you became who I am now. And who I am now is not what you would have wanted for yourself. But it is a lost battle. Because whether I like it or not, whether you would have liked it or not I am who I am and you were who you were. But you are no more.

Doubts

I have doubts...
One to be exact...
Should I have that doubt...
I don't know...
The thing is...
that...
I doubt my doubt...
Maybe my doubt is true...
I don't know...
But then again who does...
It shouldn't matter if my doubt is right...
But it does...
And it shouldn't...
Maybe it is right...
Maybe it isn't...
Probably...
Nah...
Pffff, I don't know...
It shouldn't matter...
Oh but it does...
All in all...
It sucks to have doubts...
And it sucks twice to doubt your doubts...

Спомени

Предатели!!! Мръсни предатели!!! Аз продължих, живях, усмихвах се и се смях... И после дойдохте вие. Някой да ми обясни защо... Не сте ми нужни. Мразя ви и ви обичам. Само вас си имам. Но не ви искам. Боря се с вас, побеждавам, после отново се надигате и воювате срещу мен. С всичката си сила се опитвам да ви отблъсна... Но вие винаги се връщате... По-силни от преди, по-хубави, по-красиви и по-болезнени. Идвате със снимка в ръка или с писмо, или с бележка или просто с дума. Идвате и разрушавате всичко, което съм градила. А как ви мразя. А колко сте ми скъпи. А как искам да не бяхте това което сте. А как боли от вас. Живеете в мен и живеете срещу мен. Предатели! Оставете ме намира. Веднъж завинаги.

Не си отивайте... Само вас имам... Предатели... Спомени...