Me? I'll be fine. After every bullet I still get up somehow. But don't be fooled... I've given up on me a long time ago.
So do what you're about to do and I'll just silently break if that's ok with you.
петък, 30 декември 2011 г.
Still and Quiet
I'll stand still. Take your aim. Everyone. It's ok, I can take some more. Don't worry about me. Say what you need to say. Express how you feel. Tell me what you think. About me. Just don't tell me it's not personal. Don't tell me you love me if you're about to pull the trigger. Let's not pretend tonight. Let's not call each other friends. You never tried standing here in my shoes so why begin now. Just take your aim and shoot.
Me? I'll be fine. After every bullet I still get up somehow. But don't be fooled... I've given up on me a long time ago.
So do what you're about to do and I'll just silently break if that's ok with you.
Me? I'll be fine. After every bullet I still get up somehow. But don't be fooled... I've given up on me a long time ago.
So do what you're about to do and I'll just silently break if that's ok with you.
вторник, 27 декември 2011 г.
20
We grow up. Sooner or later. We just have to. No matter how much we want to stay the same and stay in our magic world... We grow up. We get smarter than to believe in fairy tales. We outgrow magic. We stop waiting for that chick-flick type of love to come around.
I used to be a dreamer. I can't say I'm not one now. But now my dreams are a little bit more... down-to-earth. More tame. And instead of flying around in clouds, I learn how to come down and start walking. Because flying only works in little children's dreams and books. And I live in neither of those.
So I'm a big girl now. I understand. I understand your words, your mindset. Not all of it, of course, because that would require a full knowledge of who you are and it would be a shameless lie to say that I know you. But I understand. And this understanding is part of my growing up. I can't say it's pleasant. I guess it always feels better when things turn out the way we want them to. But I know I need to grow up. I need to learn to keep my heart under my head. I need to learn not to give myself away too soon. So many lessons ahead.
So I'm coming down this time. I'm coming down from my high fortress and I'm beginning to change. I'm growing up.
I used to be a dreamer. I can't say I'm not one now. But now my dreams are a little bit more... down-to-earth. More tame. And instead of flying around in clouds, I learn how to come down and start walking. Because flying only works in little children's dreams and books. And I live in neither of those.
So I'm a big girl now. I understand. I understand your words, your mindset. Not all of it, of course, because that would require a full knowledge of who you are and it would be a shameless lie to say that I know you. But I understand. And this understanding is part of my growing up. I can't say it's pleasant. I guess it always feels better when things turn out the way we want them to. But I know I need to grow up. I need to learn to keep my heart under my head. I need to learn not to give myself away too soon. So many lessons ahead.
So I'm coming down this time. I'm coming down from my high fortress and I'm beginning to change. I'm growing up.
петък, 23 декември 2011 г.
неделя, 18 декември 2011 г.
събота, 17 декември 2011 г.
"Два дня"
Бях тайна. Магическа. Магнетична. Красива тайна. От онези, дето ги има малко. Забулена с мистерия. Неизвестна за никого.
А после... Като девица, пазила се чиста цял живот и за един миг някой жестоко, безмилостно разкъсва дрехите и. Така и тайната беше разбулена. Разкрита. Остана гола, насред студения дъжд. Глупава, никому ненужна. Боса, мокра. Толкова нелепо елементарна. Никак сложна, никак магическа, никак красива. Насред тълпа от лица. Тълпа от пръсти, сочещи и присмиващи се. И онова, което веднъж бе прелестно, мистично и тайно, изведнъж стана известно на всички, а следователно скучно и сиво.
А бях тайна...
сряда, 14 декември 2011 г.
Samantha
"They say there's always someone in a relationship who loves more. Oh God I wish it wasn't me."
петък, 2 декември 2011 г.
НАЧАЛО
Някой би погледнал на това и за да го опише би използвал думите "несбъднати очаквания, разочарования, страх, празни думи, разбити сърца..."
А аз, гледайки на същото нещо, казвам "МЕЧТА, РАДОСТ, ТРЕПЕТ, ЛЮБОВ, ПРИЕМАНЕ, МИЛОСТ, ПРОШКА..."
И така... Кой е прав? Ами аз, разбира се... И не просто защото съм аз... А защото няма значение кой какво казва... Нямат значение пръстите, които сочат и слагат етикет "край", щом аз с дебели букви пиша "НАЧАЛО" и украсявам надписа със сърца и със звезди... Най-вече със звезди... Падащи... Хиляди... Не, милиони... Абе, много, МНОГО.
Защото виждам, че никой друг не е важен, никой друг не е от значение... Само ти. И малко аз. И това е.
От днес съм себе си.
А аз, гледайки на същото нещо, казвам "МЕЧТА, РАДОСТ, ТРЕПЕТ, ЛЮБОВ, ПРИЕМАНЕ, МИЛОСТ, ПРОШКА..."
И така... Кой е прав? Ами аз, разбира се... И не просто защото съм аз... А защото няма значение кой какво казва... Нямат значение пръстите, които сочат и слагат етикет "край", щом аз с дебели букви пиша "НАЧАЛО" и украсявам надписа със сърца и със звезди... Най-вече със звезди... Падащи... Хиляди... Не, милиони... Абе, много, МНОГО.
Защото виждам, че никой друг не е важен, никой друг не е от значение... Само ти. И малко аз. И това е.
От днес съм себе си.
сряда, 30 ноември 2011 г.
Само за мен сякаш
Събирам мигове в шепички... Красиви, мънички, сребърни, магични, слънчеви, дъждовни... Всякакви...
Въпросите пък влизат без да питат, с взлом, и не им пука дали са добре дошли... А знаят, че не са...
И макар и големи, трудни, страшни... Имам сила и за тях. Не сама, за нищо на света сама.
Северният вятър за малко ги отвява, южният обаче ги връща...
Но има надежда и тя е, че въпросите свършват, отиват си все някога, завинаги.
И тогава има много място за усмивка, за радост, за спокойствие и щастливи въздишки.
А тези въпроси, които сами не си отидат, Той ще премахне и ще замести с мир.
Въпросите пък влизат без да питат, с взлом, и не им пука дали са добре дошли... А знаят, че не са...
И макар и големи, трудни, страшни... Имам сила и за тях. Не сама, за нищо на света сама.
Северният вятър за малко ги отвява, южният обаче ги връща...
Но има надежда и тя е, че въпросите свършват, отиват си все някога, завинаги.
И тогава има много място за усмивка, за радост, за спокойствие и щастливи въздишки.
А тези въпроси, които сами не си отидат, Той ще премахне и ще замести с мир.
вторник, 15 ноември 2011 г.
сряда, 9 ноември 2011 г.
Песента
когато не съм изморена, но просто не знам накъде да вървя.
когато в главата ми, в сърцето ми цари хаос.
когато искам да Те видя, а очите ми не могат.
когато ми се иска да знам всичко, а знам, че нямам нужда.
когато денят навън е прекрасен.
когато не е.
когато всичко е красиво и както трябва.
когато нищо не е както трябва.
когато радостно очаквам да се появиш.
когато знам, че пътят ни е труден, но никога не бих избрала друг път.
когато искам толкова много да кажа, а нямам думите.
когато искам да преместя планините, а синаповото зърно ми изглежда нереално голямо.
когато искам с вик да разтворя небето за да видя лицето Ти.
когато искам да се вмъкна в сърцето Ти, в мислите Ти, за да знам какво мислиш за мен.
тогава идвам и Ти давам песен.
само една.
само толкова мога.
но знам, че е достатъчно за Теб.
защото тази песен е толкова красива.
и е любимата Ти.
в нея няма думи.
всъщност може и да има, но са много малко.
мелодията и е уникална.
не се свири по ноти.
дори съм сигурна, че никой никога не би могъл да я повтори.
никой не може да изпее тази песен като мен.
защото е моята песен.
нашата песен.
песента на моите колене, когато се забиват в земята.
песента на тихите ридания.
песента на разбитото "прости ми".
или просто на нежното "обичам Те".
песента на листата под краката ми, когато си мисля само за Теб.
песента на хартията, когато разгръщам книгата Ти.
песента на онзи трепет, който усещам когато знам, че си тук.
песента на утешителните думи.
песента на моето "не мога".
песента на сълзите ми.
песента на щастливия ми смях.
песента на това как предавам всичко на Теб.
как се отказвам от всичко за да съм Твоя, а Ти - Мой.
песента на живота ми.
и знам, че не мога да Те докосна.
дори не мога да Те видя.
не мога да Те прегърна или да Те погледна в очите.
но мога да Те обичам.
и мога да пея.
когато в главата ми, в сърцето ми цари хаос.
когато искам да Те видя, а очите ми не могат.
когато ми се иска да знам всичко, а знам, че нямам нужда.
когато денят навън е прекрасен.
когато не е.
когато всичко е красиво и както трябва.
когато нищо не е както трябва.
когато радостно очаквам да се появиш.
когато знам, че пътят ни е труден, но никога не бих избрала друг път.
когато искам толкова много да кажа, а нямам думите.
когато искам да преместя планините, а синаповото зърно ми изглежда нереално голямо.
когато искам с вик да разтворя небето за да видя лицето Ти.
когато искам да се вмъкна в сърцето Ти, в мислите Ти, за да знам какво мислиш за мен.
тогава идвам и Ти давам песен.
само една.
само толкова мога.
но знам, че е достатъчно за Теб.
защото тази песен е толкова красива.
и е любимата Ти.
в нея няма думи.
всъщност може и да има, но са много малко.
мелодията и е уникална.
не се свири по ноти.
дори съм сигурна, че никой никога не би могъл да я повтори.
никой не може да изпее тази песен като мен.
защото е моята песен.
нашата песен.
песента на моите колене, когато се забиват в земята.
песента на тихите ридания.
песента на разбитото "прости ми".
или просто на нежното "обичам Те".
песента на листата под краката ми, когато си мисля само за Теб.
песента на хартията, когато разгръщам книгата Ти.
песента на онзи трепет, който усещам когато знам, че си тук.
песента на утешителните думи.
песента на моето "не мога".
песента на сълзите ми.
песента на щастливия ми смях.
песента на това как предавам всичко на Теб.
как се отказвам от всичко за да съм Твоя, а Ти - Мой.
песента на живота ми.
и знам, че не мога да Те докосна.
дори не мога да Те видя.
не мога да Те прегърна или да Те погледна в очите.
но мога да Те обичам.
и мога да пея.
неделя, 6 ноември 2011 г.
Hope for me
I hope I can be better than this...
I hope I change...
I hope I learn...
I just hope there's hope for me...
I hope I change...
I hope I learn...
I just hope there's hope for me...
понеделник, 31 октомври 2011 г.
My war
Not all is lost. As a matter of fact, NOTHING is lost. This is the beginning. And the best is yet to come.
петък, 28 октомври 2011 г.
"As for me... I will always have hope"
My face is covered in dust... And tears make tiny paths on my cheeks.
But, Oh the joy.
The joy of love.
Because I love.
No matter what, I always love.
And I always will.
And it's heartbreaking sometimes, it's a train-wreck sometimes.
But it's beautiful.
And yes we cry sometimes and we fall down sometimes...
But we get up.
Hallelujah, we always get up.
And we continue to love.
to laugh.
to hope.
to believe.
We keep running the race with fresh determination.
We keep loving.
I keep loving.
And it's awesome.
But, Oh the joy.
The joy of love.
Because I love.
No matter what, I always love.
And I always will.
And it's heartbreaking sometimes, it's a train-wreck sometimes.
But it's beautiful.
And yes we cry sometimes and we fall down sometimes...
But we get up.
Hallelujah, we always get up.
And we continue to love.
to laugh.
to hope.
to believe.
We keep running the race with fresh determination.
We keep loving.
I keep loving.
And it's awesome.
сряда, 26 октомври 2011 г.
Безбрежие
Нещо ме кара да не мога да дишам...
Днес... Не!
Само сега... не дишам.
Щях да напиша куп други неща, някакви такива тайни, мои си...
Но си признавам... не дишам.
Не се преструвах на силна досега. Аз съм силна.
И дори и сега, когато не мога да дишам. Защото знам, че утре пак ще поема дъх и ще продължа въпреки всичко. И ще очаквам добри неща от живота. И ще дочакам момента, когато обръщайки се назад, няма да съжалявам за нищо.
Само няколко часа остават до следващия ден...
Няколко часа няма да дишам.
Днес... Не!
Само сега... не дишам.
Щях да напиша куп други неща, някакви такива тайни, мои си...
Но си признавам... не дишам.
Не се преструвах на силна досега. Аз съм силна.
И дори и сега, когато не мога да дишам. Защото знам, че утре пак ще поема дъх и ще продължа въпреки всичко. И ще очаквам добри неща от живота. И ще дочакам момента, когато обръщайки се назад, няма да съжалявам за нищо.
Само няколко часа остават до следващия ден...
Няколко часа няма да дишам.
неделя, 23 октомври 2011 г.
Delirious? - My Glorious
Да, по принцип много обичам музиката...
Но не беше това причината...
Не заради това в онази петъчна вечер ме гледаха странно хората на улицата...
Да, песента, която звучеше в ушите ми беше страхотна...
Но не заради песента танцувах по центъра на града, усмихвах се, дори май се изсмях, или си барабаних по краката...
Не беше заради хубавия текст или готината китара... Нито заради гласа на човека, който пееше...
Скачах, танцувах, смях се... там, пред очите на всички, които не се бяха изплашили от ненормалния октомврийски студ... Защото осъзнавах ОТНОВО в колкото страхотен Бог съм положила вярата си... Колко Велик е Онзи, Който ме държи в ръката Си, Който иска всичко от мен. И честно казано... нямам нищо против да Му го дам. И това и направих там, точно там, на ъгъла на улицата, до лавката за дюнери. Защото знам, че Той здраво ще опази докрай онова, което съм Му поверила.
И така... вървях, или по-скоро танцувайки се предвижвах към дестинацията си, мислейки си за това колко по-голям е този мой Бог от мен, от всички нас, от всички мои мечти. Колко по-голям е Той от желанието ми да имам семейство един ден, деца...
За такъв Бог си струва да живееш! И то не просто да живееш... А да живееш по възможно най-добрия начин!
Но не беше това причината...
Не заради това в онази петъчна вечер ме гледаха странно хората на улицата...
Да, песента, която звучеше в ушите ми беше страхотна...
Но не заради песента танцувах по центъра на града, усмихвах се, дори май се изсмях, или си барабаних по краката...
Не беше заради хубавия текст или готината китара... Нито заради гласа на човека, който пееше...
Скачах, танцувах, смях се... там, пред очите на всички, които не се бяха изплашили от ненормалния октомврийски студ... Защото осъзнавах ОТНОВО в колкото страхотен Бог съм положила вярата си... Колко Велик е Онзи, Който ме държи в ръката Си, Който иска всичко от мен. И честно казано... нямам нищо против да Му го дам. И това и направих там, точно там, на ъгъла на улицата, до лавката за дюнери. Защото знам, че Той здраво ще опази докрай онова, което съм Му поверила.
И така... вървях, или по-скоро танцувайки се предвижвах към дестинацията си, мислейки си за това колко по-голям е този мой Бог от мен, от всички нас, от всички мои мечти. Колко по-голям е Той от желанието ми да имам семейство един ден, деца...
За такъв Бог си струва да живееш! И то не просто да живееш... А да живееш по възможно най-добрия начин!
вторник, 18 октомври 2011 г.
Нещо ново...
Благодаря Ти!
Не съм съвсем където ми се иска... Вече не говоря за град или ръце...
Но не съм където бях. А вървя напред. Даже бягам.
И добрата битка е пред мен. И знам, че е трудна. Ще има кръв и болка. И то много.
Но не ме е страх. Имам Теб. За победата това ми е нужно.
И знам, че ще ме научиш да се справям с всичко. И знам, че тук трябва да бъда, тук ме искаш. Знам, че си до мен. Както винаги си бил и винаги ще бъдеш.
Благодаря!
И не знам какво ме очаква... Но знам, че няма нужда да знам. Каквото си приготвил, знам, че е добро! И го искам, всичкото!
И Те обичам. Винаги.
Не съм съвсем където ми се иска... Вече не говоря за град или ръце...
Но не съм където бях. А вървя напред. Даже бягам.
И добрата битка е пред мен. И знам, че е трудна. Ще има кръв и болка. И то много.
Но не ме е страх. Имам Теб. За победата това ми е нужно.
И знам, че ще ме научиш да се справям с всичко. И знам, че тук трябва да бъда, тук ме искаш. Знам, че си до мен. Както винаги си бил и винаги ще бъдеш.
Благодаря!
И не знам какво ме очаква... Но знам, че няма нужда да знам. Каквото си приготвил, знам, че е добро! И го искам, всичкото!
И Те обичам. Винаги.
петък, 7 октомври 2011 г.
Тук
Не пея по улиците... Дори и тук не пея.
И не познавам правилните хора. Имам шепичка приятели, които не са като онези...
И дори не знам защо всичко това ме кара да се чувствам глупаво.
Дори не знам защо е в главата ми.
Нима има значение?
Явно... има...
Защото ми се иска да съм далеч от тук, а не съм.
Защото искам да бъда различна, друга, а не съм.
Защото съм тук... а не съм...
И не познавам правилните хора. Имам шепичка приятели, които не са като онези...
И дори не знам защо всичко това ме кара да се чувствам глупаво.
Дори не знам защо е в главата ми.
Нима има значение?
Явно... има...
Защото ми се иска да съм далеч от тук, а не съм.
Защото искам да бъда различна, друга, а не съм.
Защото съм тук... а не съм...
сряда, 28 септември 2011 г.
Waiting to be Chosen
Today again I chose someone, something else over You. In fact, I chose everything BUT You. And I hated myself for it. In my anger I asked, "Why can't You just make me Yours once and for all?"
I wanted You to come like a wild fire, like a hurricane and sweap me off my feet, carrying me away to Your place. I wanted You to break through walls and skies and gloriously take me so that all may see. And You didn't... So I sat down and I cried. I cried loud, day and night, thinking that maybe my tears would change Your mind. And when finally, desperate and hopeless, I stopped crying and quieted my aching heart, I heard... I heard You...
You didn't come the way I wanted You to, the way I thought You would...
You weren't a hurricane. You weren't an earthquake. You weren't a wild fire. You didn't break through walls and the heavens didn't shake.
You came like a still small voice, like a gentle whisper in my ear... And quietly You said:
"I want you. And I can storm in and take you... in a blink of an eye I can shake the earth and the heavens and make you Mine... But... I want you to choose to be Mine. Yes, I can do everything but I don't want to steal your heart... I want you to give it to Me. If you want to be Mine - come and be Mine. Because I love you, everyday I let you go and I hope you choose Me... Because I chose you 2000 years ago and I keep choosing you every single day..."
I wanted You to come like a wild fire, like a hurricane and sweap me off my feet, carrying me away to Your place. I wanted You to break through walls and skies and gloriously take me so that all may see. And You didn't... So I sat down and I cried. I cried loud, day and night, thinking that maybe my tears would change Your mind. And when finally, desperate and hopeless, I stopped crying and quieted my aching heart, I heard... I heard You...
You didn't come the way I wanted You to, the way I thought You would...
You weren't a hurricane. You weren't an earthquake. You weren't a wild fire. You didn't break through walls and the heavens didn't shake.
You came like a still small voice, like a gentle whisper in my ear... And quietly You said:
"I want you. And I can storm in and take you... in a blink of an eye I can shake the earth and the heavens and make you Mine... But... I want you to choose to be Mine. Yes, I can do everything but I don't want to steal your heart... I want you to give it to Me. If you want to be Mine - come and be Mine. Because I love you, everyday I let you go and I hope you choose Me... Because I chose you 2000 years ago and I keep choosing you every single day..."
вторник, 27 септември 2011 г.
Rising up, I bless Your name...
Not everyone will always love us. Maybe it's time I learned this. In a way I have. But maybe it's time to realize it and not tip-toe around it as if it weren't true.
But it doesn't matter.
I dust off and I get up.
Or at least I hope that's what I'm doing...
I pick myself up.
And rising up, I say Hallelujah.
Because not all people love me.
And because some do.
And some will.
And I've heard scars can be beautiful.
And I've heard everyone has to have those if they are true followers.
I am.
But it doesn't matter.
I dust off and I get up.
Or at least I hope that's what I'm doing...
I pick myself up.
And rising up, I say Hallelujah.
Because not all people love me.
And because some do.
And some will.
And I've heard scars can be beautiful.
And I've heard everyone has to have those if they are true followers.
I am.
понеделник, 26 септември 2011 г.
tonight
It's just one of those days, one of those moments when I want to give up everything... I want to lift up my hands, give up on all these things, all these people... And go live somewhere far far away... Or even better - die.
I know that all those so called "problems" are nothing and with God's help I'll manage and I'll win... But today victory seems far away and tears are near... And I know that victory has been given to me.. But today the wounds and scars that lie before it, are more pressing...
Today I want to give up...
I won't! Ever!
But oh how I want to...
I know that all those so called "problems" are nothing and with God's help I'll manage and I'll win... But today victory seems far away and tears are near... And I know that victory has been given to me.. But today the wounds and scars that lie before it, are more pressing...
Today I want to give up...
I won't! Ever!
But oh how I want to...
събота, 17 септември 2011 г.
понеделник, 12 септември 2011 г.
Аз
"Врязана в дланта Ти..."
"Зеница в очите Ти..."
Толкова ценна. Аз. Да, аз. Именно АЗ. Но не заради мен. А защото се наричам с Твоето име. Защото Ти принадлежа. И няма значение какво казват другите или дори какво си мислят. Знам коя съм. Знам защо съм. Знам чия съм. Имам ли нужда от друго? От друг? Щом съм ценна за Теб, защо ми е доброто мнение на хората? Щом Ти не ме осъждаш, защо ми да е плача, когато другите ме осъждат? Нима досега не съм разбрала...
Че ме обичаш. МЕН. Ти, Който си там, някъде и аз не мога да Те видя или да Те докосна, защото си толкова Различен. Ти, Който си настроил всичко да работи както искаш. Ти, който знаеш и можеш ВСИЧКО. Ти, Който си толкова високо... Си и все пак достатъчно близо, за да слушаш и мен, да шепнеш и на мен...
Нека не забравям.
Всяко дърво, всяко цвете, всяка птичка, всяка планина и река, всяка капка дъжд... Твои са... Но положил си любовта си върху мен. Не знам защо... Не ми и трябва. Достатъчно ми е да бъда тук. С Теб.
"Зеница в очите Ти..."
Толкова ценна. Аз. Да, аз. Именно АЗ. Но не заради мен. А защото се наричам с Твоето име. Защото Ти принадлежа. И няма значение какво казват другите или дори какво си мислят. Знам коя съм. Знам защо съм. Знам чия съм. Имам ли нужда от друго? От друг? Щом съм ценна за Теб, защо ми е доброто мнение на хората? Щом Ти не ме осъждаш, защо ми да е плача, когато другите ме осъждат? Нима досега не съм разбрала...
Че ме обичаш. МЕН. Ти, Който си там, някъде и аз не мога да Те видя или да Те докосна, защото си толкова Различен. Ти, Който си настроил всичко да работи както искаш. Ти, който знаеш и можеш ВСИЧКО. Ти, Който си толкова високо... Си и все пак достатъчно близо, за да слушаш и мен, да шепнеш и на мен...
Нека не забравям.
Всяко дърво, всяко цвете, всяка птичка, всяка планина и река, всяка капка дъжд... Твои са... Но положил си любовта си върху мен. Не знам защо... Не ми и трябва. Достатъчно ми е да бъда тук. С Теб.
събота, 10 септември 2011 г.
Твоя
Не са много, но ги има...
Моментите когато забравям за всичко, за всеки, спирам да се оглеждам, да се обръщам назад, да се опитвам да видя напред... И просто поглеждам нагоре и протягам ръце. Добре, че има хора, които да ни нараняват, за да можем по-често да махаме поглед от тях и да поглеждаме в правилната посока.
И протягам ръце и чакам, защото знам, че ще дойдеш и ще ме вземеш при себе си. Чакам защото знам, че когато плача, седиш до мен и в този момент никой друг няма значение. Защото за Теб съм важна. За Теб съм нещо. За Теб съм достатъчна. Ти ме обичаш.
И нищо друго не е важно. Само аз и Ти. И с всяка зла дума ще се справим... заедно. Защото си обещал. И ще изпълниш. Няма да остана без Теб. И слушаш, защото е важно това, което казвам. Защото е всичко за теб. Защото чакаш с нетърпение да дойда и да Ти разкажа. Защото съм важна. Твоя.
Моментите когато забравям за всичко, за всеки, спирам да се оглеждам, да се обръщам назад, да се опитвам да видя напред... И просто поглеждам нагоре и протягам ръце. Добре, че има хора, които да ни нараняват, за да можем по-често да махаме поглед от тях и да поглеждаме в правилната посока.
И протягам ръце и чакам, защото знам, че ще дойдеш и ще ме вземеш при себе си. Чакам защото знам, че когато плача, седиш до мен и в този момент никой друг няма значение. Защото за Теб съм важна. За Теб съм нещо. За Теб съм достатъчна. Ти ме обичаш.
И нищо друго не е важно. Само аз и Ти. И с всяка зла дума ще се справим... заедно. Защото си обещал. И ще изпълниш. Няма да остана без Теб. И слушаш, защото е важно това, което казвам. Защото е всичко за теб. Защото чакаш с нетърпение да дойда и да Ти разкажа. Защото съм важна. Твоя.
неделя, 21 август 2011 г.
=)
For the first time I think I'm not falling... More like flying. You are not a new flame. A different one. I feel like I'm walking on sand though... Like I might sink in it any moment... I fear sometimes that I won't meet your requirement... But I cannot let myself give in to fear. Instead I'll keep this hidden in my heart like a precious jewel, too precious to be carried around in my pocket. I know I'm probably not what you want, not what you're looking for... But like you said it yourself... I hope you learn to love in me what is not mine... Honestly, I don't dare dream. But yet I do. I hope one day you'll be able to say: "I can live without you, but I want to live with you".
четвъртък, 18 август 2011 г.
Pinky promise
Oh... How do I begin.
All these years you were hard as a stone, you managed on your own, you smiled and wiped the tears yourself. But tonight you fell apart. And you fell apart inside my arms. And I didn't know what to do. Cause I always thought that I'm the weak one, I'm the one who cries all the time. But I guess we are more alike than I knew. I am sorry that all I thought of was to wrap you in my arms. I knew it wouldn't matter much. I kissed your face and swallowed my own tears. And for the first time I didn't want to go home... I wanted YOU to go home. I wanted YOU to be happy. For once. It pains me that you blame yourself and you have no one to stand in front of you and take up the responsibility. Oh but I believe... I believe that one day you will have a prize and a crown and a tearless eternity to enjoy. I believe there's more to this than just your suffering. I don't know what it is, but I have to believe. I have to believe that you have been neglected and abused for a higher purpose. Sounds stupid, I know. But I simply have to believe. I believe that the God of the heavens was here tonight whispering words of comfort. I believe we will manage. I believe that suffering doesn't last forever, but joy will. Just hold on, girl. Please. Do it for both of us. Hold on cause it won't always be like this. It won't always hurt. He won't always be this mean. But until that day... I offer my arms to fall apart into. You can cry and scream and I will be here listening and holding you. Until that glorious day when I surrender you to the pierced hands. And they will make it all OK. I promise. Pinky promise.
All these years you were hard as a stone, you managed on your own, you smiled and wiped the tears yourself. But tonight you fell apart. And you fell apart inside my arms. And I didn't know what to do. Cause I always thought that I'm the weak one, I'm the one who cries all the time. But I guess we are more alike than I knew. I am sorry that all I thought of was to wrap you in my arms. I knew it wouldn't matter much. I kissed your face and swallowed my own tears. And for the first time I didn't want to go home... I wanted YOU to go home. I wanted YOU to be happy. For once. It pains me that you blame yourself and you have no one to stand in front of you and take up the responsibility. Oh but I believe... I believe that one day you will have a prize and a crown and a tearless eternity to enjoy. I believe there's more to this than just your suffering. I don't know what it is, but I have to believe. I have to believe that you have been neglected and abused for a higher purpose. Sounds stupid, I know. But I simply have to believe. I believe that the God of the heavens was here tonight whispering words of comfort. I believe we will manage. I believe that suffering doesn't last forever, but joy will. Just hold on, girl. Please. Do it for both of us. Hold on cause it won't always be like this. It won't always hurt. He won't always be this mean. But until that day... I offer my arms to fall apart into. You can cry and scream and I will be here listening and holding you. Until that glorious day when I surrender you to the pierced hands. And they will make it all OK. I promise. Pinky promise.
събота, 6 август 2011 г.
Letting Go
I've learned that sometimes you have to let people go. Let go of them. And if that means they go down... then I guess this is how it has to be. You can reach out your hand and pray they take it... But if they don't wish to do so... Then you just let go and pray that somewhere along the way down, they learn how to fly. And you have to let go not because you don't care or because you want to let go... But because holding on would be no good for any of the sides. Holding on would mean destruction. So if survival means letting go... Then that's what I'm doing.
вторник, 12 юли 2011 г.
Lessons
My begging doesn't matter anymore. Neither do my tears. I should have learned by now how to break silently. But do you ever learn? Instead I've spent the recent years hoping I would never break again. I've been blind. I've been way too optimistic. I have wanted love and yet I've forgotten that the world I live in is not powered by love. So this shouldn't be a surprise. And in a way it is not. I have relied on the fact that you are stupid enough to be so in love with me. But you grew up. You became smarter. You know better now than to be in love with a wretch. And I should have known better than to hope for a life with you. Again I was certain. I was sure. And again it led me nowhere. Maybe one day I will stop believing in this nonsense. Maybe this day is coming closer. Maybe the holes in my heart will finally teach me. I hope they do. After all even a doormat worns out at some point.
Yet there is a cry in me that I cannot supress...
Don't give up on me yet.
Yet there is a cry in me that I cannot supress...
Don't give up on me yet.
понеделник, 11 юли 2011 г.
Chocolate
I am chocolate, I've learned.
You might like it, you might even love it...
It's delicious, amazing.
But too much of it and you get sick.
Too much and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Too much and you have no other choice but to spit it out.
I am chocolate.
You might like it, you might even love it...
It's delicious, amazing.
But too much of it and you get sick.
Too much and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Too much and you have no other choice but to spit it out.
I am chocolate.
събота, 9 юли 2011 г.
...
Реже като нож. Остър нож. Безмилостно и на парчета. Всички мои викове остават нечути. И нищо не остава от мен. Всичко е разкъсано.
Или като куршум. Пронизва право през сърцето. Точно там където най-боли. И оставам без дъх, без пулс.
Безразличие. Убива ме тихо.
Или като куршум. Пронизва право през сърцето. Точно там където най-боли. И оставам без дъх, без пулс.
Безразличие. Убива ме тихо.
петък, 8 юли 2011 г.
22
You left with your working clothes and came back in a coffin.
I didn't know you. Now I never will. Maybe I have seen your face before but now I won't.
And just like that, in a blink of an eye... And you were no more.
And the earth did not stop spinning. The rivers didn't stop flowing and the trees didn't stop growing. Nothing changed. People kept laughing. The sky did not darken and the moon did not turn red. It was all the same. As if it didn't matter... As if you didn't matter.
But you did.
And He cried.
I didn't know you. Now I never will. Maybe I have seen your face before but now I won't.
And just like that, in a blink of an eye... And you were no more.
And the earth did not stop spinning. The rivers didn't stop flowing and the trees didn't stop growing. Nothing changed. People kept laughing. The sky did not darken and the moon did not turn red. It was all the same. As if it didn't matter... As if you didn't matter.
But you did.
And He cried.
четвъртък, 7 юли 2011 г.
Small talk
If I can't tell you that I love you and miss you...
If I can't tell you how sorry I am for betraying you...
If I can't tell you that I can't get you out of my head and my heart...
If I can't tell you that I tried to let go of you and forget you but I failed greatly...
If I can't tell you that I don't want to live a single minute without knowing that even though you might be somewhere else, you belong to me, and I to you...
If I can't tell you that you mean the world and more...
If I can't tell you that I worry and think about you all day...
If I can't tell you that I still dream of you and me...
If I can't tell you that I believe YOU are the one for me...
Then what is it that I can say...
If I can't tell you how sorry I am for betraying you...
If I can't tell you that I can't get you out of my head and my heart...
If I can't tell you that I tried to let go of you and forget you but I failed greatly...
If I can't tell you that I don't want to live a single minute without knowing that even though you might be somewhere else, you belong to me, and I to you...
If I can't tell you that you mean the world and more...
If I can't tell you that I worry and think about you all day...
If I can't tell you that I still dream of you and me...
If I can't tell you that I believe YOU are the one for me...
Then what is it that I can say...
неделя, 3 юли 2011 г.
Two of you
I see the battle in you. As if two sides of you are fighting and you're not yet sure which side should win. One foot is in, but still one remains out. I am sorry for this battle in your mind and probably heart. I would help you if I knew how, I really would. But I fear my hands are tied. Nothing is in my power. I can only give you space to change as much as you want to. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I really don't want to influence your decisions concerning that. I want you to make up your mind yourself. That way you'll be convinced that no one has given you a bad advice and you're doing the right thing, or the worst case scenario - there would be no one else to blame.
I wish I could at least tell you what I think but I myself am not objective and impartial on this matter.
I will patiently wait. I hope.
And no matter what you decide, no matter what happens I believe that God always does things that in the end work out for our own good. And I will learn to be content in every state I'm in.
Choose wisely.
I wish I could at least tell you what I think but I myself am not objective and impartial on this matter.
I will patiently wait. I hope.
And no matter what you decide, no matter what happens I believe that God always does things that in the end work out for our own good. And I will learn to be content in every state I'm in.
Choose wisely.
петък, 1 юли 2011 г.
Why I love you...
Mr. Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, Why? Why do you persist?
Neo: Because I choose to.
Neo: Because I choose to.
четвъртък, 30 юни 2011 г.
Someone
someone warm
someone kind and free
someone whose arms are big enough to contain all of you, all of what you are
someone capable of honestly saying: "stop trying so hard, you're already beautiful"
someone who would always be on your side, always fighting for whatever you're fighting for
someone who would fear for your life, your safety, your heart
someone who could not even bear the thought of leaving you
someone who would care for you more than he does for himself
someone who would be fine with how broken and ridiculous you are
someone who would think of you when nothing is right, when nothing is left
someone who would find a place for you to be alone
someone who would not be afraid from the depths of your soul
someone who would see you better with his eyes closed
someone who would not stop courting you even after he has won you fully
someone who would remember every single word coming out of your mouth and consider it sacred
someone who would think of you as glorious
someone who would rejoice in seeing you joyful
someone who would write a song for you even in the worst of tunes
someone who would know what each sigh, each silence means
someone who would dance with you after an exhausting day and enjoy every second of it
someone who would rather die than hurt you
someone who would buy you ice-cream everyday
someone who would tuck you in every night with a kiss
someone who would consider it his duty and privilege to make you happy
someone who would sit on rooftops with you even if he thinks it's utterly ridiculous
someone who wouldn't claim to know you but still know in his heart that he knows you best
someone who could not live a day without seeing you
someone who wouldn't own you but instead have you to love and to hold
someone who wouldn't mind that you think out loud and cry so much
someone who would wait for as long as it takes until he could make you his
someone who would know what kind of books you read
someone who would not even contemplate looking away in fear of missing your smile
someone who would sincerely enjoy being your friend, care-taker, your lover and leader, your husband and guardian, your everything
someone who if given a choice of being anywhere in the world would still choose to be right next to you
someone who would know no other way but to love you ardently
someone who would make a covenant with his own eyes not to look upon other
someone to whom you would be more than enough
someone to whom pinky promises would mean the world to
someone who would choose you again any day of the week 50 years from now
someone to whom your well-being would be above all else
someone who would be honored to point at you and say that he is with you
someone who would know that no matter what happens you have his back
simply put...
someone like
someone kind and free
someone whose arms are big enough to contain all of you, all of what you are
someone capable of honestly saying: "stop trying so hard, you're already beautiful"
someone who would always be on your side, always fighting for whatever you're fighting for
someone who would fear for your life, your safety, your heart
someone who could not even bear the thought of leaving you
someone who would care for you more than he does for himself
someone who would be fine with how broken and ridiculous you are
someone who would think of you when nothing is right, when nothing is left
someone who would find a place for you to be alone
someone who would not be afraid from the depths of your soul
someone who would see you better with his eyes closed
someone who would not stop courting you even after he has won you fully
someone who would remember every single word coming out of your mouth and consider it sacred
someone who would think of you as glorious
someone who would rejoice in seeing you joyful
someone who would write a song for you even in the worst of tunes
someone who would know what each sigh, each silence means
someone who would dance with you after an exhausting day and enjoy every second of it
someone who would rather die than hurt you
someone who would buy you ice-cream everyday
someone who would tuck you in every night with a kiss
someone who would consider it his duty and privilege to make you happy
someone who would sit on rooftops with you even if he thinks it's utterly ridiculous
someone who wouldn't claim to know you but still know in his heart that he knows you best
someone who could not live a day without seeing you
someone who wouldn't own you but instead have you to love and to hold
someone who wouldn't mind that you think out loud and cry so much
someone who would wait for as long as it takes until he could make you his
someone who would know what kind of books you read
someone who would not even contemplate looking away in fear of missing your smile
someone who would sincerely enjoy being your friend, care-taker, your lover and leader, your husband and guardian, your everything
someone who if given a choice of being anywhere in the world would still choose to be right next to you
someone who would know no other way but to love you ardently
someone who would make a covenant with his own eyes not to look upon other
someone to whom you would be more than enough
someone to whom pinky promises would mean the world to
someone who would choose you again any day of the week 50 years from now
someone to whom your well-being would be above all else
someone who would be honored to point at you and say that he is with you
someone who would know that no matter what happens you have his back
simply put...
someone like
неделя, 26 юни 2011 г.
Не винаги
не винаги ще бъде така.
благодаря на този, който веднъж в труден момент ми го каза.
запомних го.
беше добър урок. тогава бях тъжна, но не винаги беше така, защото после вече не бях тъжна.
и сега... когато пак нищо не е както съм го искала, както съм го мечтала... и сега... когато пак съм сама, отново тук оставена... пак ще си кажа...
не винаги ще бъде така.
не винаги ще плача. не винаги всичко ще свършва. не винаги любовта ще бъде толкова опустошителна. не винаги краят ще бъде лош. не винаги сърцето ми ще ме боли. не винаги ще съм сама. не винаги оставена. не винаги ще бъда забравена. не винаги ще е толкова безнадеждно. не винаги ще се чувствам предадена и унизена. не винаги мечтите ми ще остават само мечти.
не винаги ще бъде така.
нали?
благодаря на този, който веднъж в труден момент ми го каза.
запомних го.
беше добър урок. тогава бях тъжна, но не винаги беше така, защото после вече не бях тъжна.
и сега... когато пак нищо не е както съм го искала, както съм го мечтала... и сега... когато пак съм сама, отново тук оставена... пак ще си кажа...
не винаги ще бъде така.
не винаги ще плача. не винаги всичко ще свършва. не винаги любовта ще бъде толкова опустошителна. не винаги краят ще бъде лош. не винаги сърцето ми ще ме боли. не винаги ще съм сама. не винаги оставена. не винаги ще бъда забравена. не винаги ще е толкова безнадеждно. не винаги ще се чувствам предадена и унизена. не винаги мечтите ми ще остават само мечти.
не винаги ще бъде така.
нали?
Small one
I don't know how.
I don't know how hearts heal. How they become whole again. No one teaches you that.
They tell you love is great, dream big and all that, but at the end of it all they can say is move on??? In all the "wisdom" people got, that's the best you came up with??
Isn't there anything else? Because moving on doesn't really seem possible.
You build your whole world around the hopes of something and someone comes, intentionally or not, ruins what you've tried to built all your life, and you're supposed to dust off and keep going??
Sorry, that might work for others, but for me, for now... it doesn't.
I can't dust you off. I can't leave you behind. I can't move on. I can't let go.
I have one tiniest hope though... that in His majesty and glory God will not cease to care about the small ones. That He will be merciful enough not to despise the insignificant ones, the brokenhearted ones.
He has not let me down this far. I hope, I dare ask He doesn't let me down now either.
He has not given up on me yet. And even if people keep walking out of my life the way they have in the past... He will still be standing firmly right beside me. I have this to rely on. I have nothing else now.
I have no one else now.
I don't know how hearts heal. How they become whole again. No one teaches you that.
They tell you love is great, dream big and all that, but at the end of it all they can say is move on??? In all the "wisdom" people got, that's the best you came up with??
Isn't there anything else? Because moving on doesn't really seem possible.
You build your whole world around the hopes of something and someone comes, intentionally or not, ruins what you've tried to built all your life, and you're supposed to dust off and keep going??
Sorry, that might work for others, but for me, for now... it doesn't.
I can't dust you off. I can't leave you behind. I can't move on. I can't let go.
I have one tiniest hope though... that in His majesty and glory God will not cease to care about the small ones. That He will be merciful enough not to despise the insignificant ones, the brokenhearted ones.
He has not let me down this far. I hope, I dare ask He doesn't let me down now either.
He has not given up on me yet. And even if people keep walking out of my life the way they have in the past... He will still be standing firmly right beside me. I have this to rely on. I have nothing else now.
I have no one else now.
go
You are a picture next to my pillow.
You are a faded ring.
You are a breath-taking pain.
You are salty tears.
You are a bitter taste on my lips.
You are a broken heart.
You are unkept promises.
You are a lie.
You are lost dreams.
You are a hopeless look.
You are another necklace in the box.
Don't be... Please... Just don't be that.
You are a faded ring.
You are a breath-taking pain.
You are salty tears.
You are a bitter taste on my lips.
You are a broken heart.
You are unkept promises.
You are a lie.
You are lost dreams.
You are a hopeless look.
You are another necklace in the box.
Don't be... Please... Just don't be that.
събота, 25 юни 2011 г.
петък, 24 юни 2011 г.
Sometimes it hurts, but sometimes it lasts...
Irreplaceable.
Unparalleled.
Unlike anything else, anyone else.
30 years from now, turning back I will regret it. I know I will. I will wonder. I will come back here, to this particular moment. And not like I can do anything about it now. I am simply sure that it will be the same with you. Not because I am anything special. Not because you can't breathe without me.
But because for some crazy reason love is stronger than us. Bigger than anything we know.
There are millions who are better than me. And there are millions who are better than you. But no one quite like me. And no one quite like you. No two people quite like us. I don't know why that is. But honestly I don't think it matters that much. I've seen your worst, you have seen mine. And still we're here, trying to walk separately but still turning around. And it will always be like this. Even if we decide to let go, leave for good... We will always come back to one another. I know I will always be somewhere in the back of your mind, kept in secret. You will always remember me. Even if you decide to walk away. And I know you will always be in my heart, in a private place only for you. And only I would know how to reach that place. Because I made it, for you, for us. I feel tied to you. And no matter how much you fight it or deny it... you are too. There is something invisible pulling you closer to me, and me to you. And I guess it's up to us to decide what we'll do with it. We can try to cut the bond. But I don't think we can.
Even if we wanted to.
So this is me saying that 30 years from now I will still turn around, and run back to you.
But 30 years from now I don't want to have to run to reach you. I want to be able to simply turn in my bed and see your eyes lovingly looking at me.
Unparalleled.
Unlike anything else, anyone else.
30 years from now, turning back I will regret it. I know I will. I will wonder. I will come back here, to this particular moment. And not like I can do anything about it now. I am simply sure that it will be the same with you. Not because I am anything special. Not because you can't breathe without me.
But because for some crazy reason love is stronger than us. Bigger than anything we know.
There are millions who are better than me. And there are millions who are better than you. But no one quite like me. And no one quite like you. No two people quite like us. I don't know why that is. But honestly I don't think it matters that much. I've seen your worst, you have seen mine. And still we're here, trying to walk separately but still turning around. And it will always be like this. Even if we decide to let go, leave for good... We will always come back to one another. I know I will always be somewhere in the back of your mind, kept in secret. You will always remember me. Even if you decide to walk away. And I know you will always be in my heart, in a private place only for you. And only I would know how to reach that place. Because I made it, for you, for us. I feel tied to you. And no matter how much you fight it or deny it... you are too. There is something invisible pulling you closer to me, and me to you. And I guess it's up to us to decide what we'll do with it. We can try to cut the bond. But I don't think we can.
Even if we wanted to.
So this is me saying that 30 years from now I will still turn around, and run back to you.
But 30 years from now I don't want to have to run to reach you. I want to be able to simply turn in my bed and see your eyes lovingly looking at me.
понеделник, 20 юни 2011 г.
Tunnel? Light?
I am not sure whether it's the idea of it or an actual thing but I feel better. Safer. Lighter. Sometimes things change, sometimes they work out. I hope this turns out to be one of those times.
I love what honesty and love can do when used properly and combined. I love adult conversations that open people's eyes about something. Especially if I'm the one saying the smart, eyes-opening things.
I only know that I feel more optimistic. Maybe it's not that dark after all. I won't delete my angry messages, my pictures... any of it, in fact. I refuse to delete memories, even if they are unpleasant. I want to remember all, keep all, learn from all. If that's how I felt some time ago... means I had a reason to. So I won't pretend I haven't been angry and hurt the past few days.
But if it's a tunnel, maybe I've reached the end... No, not yet, but at least maybe I can see the end. Just so you know... I may be wrong about this all. But I like the feeling of being better even if it's just for a little bit. So I won't ponder it... Instead I'll just kick back and enjoy it.
I love what honesty and love can do when used properly and combined. I love adult conversations that open people's eyes about something. Especially if I'm the one saying the smart, eyes-opening things.
I only know that I feel more optimistic. Maybe it's not that dark after all. I won't delete my angry messages, my pictures... any of it, in fact. I refuse to delete memories, even if they are unpleasant. I want to remember all, keep all, learn from all. If that's how I felt some time ago... means I had a reason to. So I won't pretend I haven't been angry and hurt the past few days.
But if it's a tunnel, maybe I've reached the end... No, not yet, but at least maybe I can see the end. Just so you know... I may be wrong about this all. But I like the feeling of being better even if it's just for a little bit. So I won't ponder it... Instead I'll just kick back and enjoy it.
четвъртък, 16 юни 2011 г.
A pretty face on a picture
Didn't you learn your lesson? After so many times, after being left behind so much...
Didn't you learn already, you stupid girl?
How many times does your heart have to be broken for you to realize that you can't trust people? Anyone. Because they only like you when they have something to gain from you but if you stop giving... they abandon you. All of them. And you are only a memory to them. Probably not even a good one. And you have months ahead of you to try and pick up the pieces of what's left of your soul. And it is funny that you thought you were special at all... Whoever said that to you, lied well.
Will you ever learn? Or will you continue to walk the same way, make the same mistakes?
When will you realize that no matter what you do you will never be good enough and no one will stick around. So why even try...
And it's ridiculous... I pulled the plug but it doesn't really feel that way.
And again... so easily forgotten.
"Just a pretty face on a picture"
scratch the pretty part.
Didn't you learn already, you stupid girl?
How many times does your heart have to be broken for you to realize that you can't trust people? Anyone. Because they only like you when they have something to gain from you but if you stop giving... they abandon you. All of them. And you are only a memory to them. Probably not even a good one. And you have months ahead of you to try and pick up the pieces of what's left of your soul. And it is funny that you thought you were special at all... Whoever said that to you, lied well.
Will you ever learn? Or will you continue to walk the same way, make the same mistakes?
When will you realize that no matter what you do you will never be good enough and no one will stick around. So why even try...
And it's ridiculous... I pulled the plug but it doesn't really feel that way.
And again... so easily forgotten.
"Just a pretty face on a picture"
scratch the pretty part.
Не съм.
Мразя ви... Всичките...
Вас и вашите пари, вашите сметки, вашето викане...
Вас и вашите цветя, вашите чинии, вашите разговори...
Вас и вашата злоба, вашето игнориране, вашия непукизъм...
Вас и вашите гадни коментари, вашите преструвки, вашите въпроси...
Мразя, че нищо не е както трябва да бъде.
Мразя, че хората не си изпълняват обещанията.
Мразя, че искам толкова много неща, които не мога да имам.
Мразя, че живея тук.
Просто днес мразя всичко и всички.
Мразя, че никой не мисли за мен, за това как аз бих се почувствала.
Мразя фейсбук... с неговите щастливи хора, усмихнати лица, красиви снимки.
Мразя, че при мен не е така.
Мразя, че аз не мога да бъда щастлива. И не знам дали ще мога да бъда. Сякаш щастието само от мен бяга. А аз толкова го искам. Поне за малко да бъде при мен. Поне за малко нещата да бъдат просто лесни и хубави. А те никога не са.
И аз мразя това.
Вас и вашите пари, вашите сметки, вашето викане...
Вас и вашите цветя, вашите чинии, вашите разговори...
Вас и вашата злоба, вашето игнориране, вашия непукизъм...
Вас и вашите гадни коментари, вашите преструвки, вашите въпроси...
Мразя, че нищо не е както трябва да бъде.
Мразя, че хората не си изпълняват обещанията.
Мразя, че искам толкова много неща, които не мога да имам.
Мразя, че живея тук.
Просто днес мразя всичко и всички.
Мразя, че никой не мисли за мен, за това как аз бих се почувствала.
Мразя фейсбук... с неговите щастливи хора, усмихнати лица, красиви снимки.
Мразя, че при мен не е така.
Мразя, че аз не мога да бъда щастлива. И не знам дали ще мога да бъда. Сякаш щастието само от мен бяга. А аз толкова го искам. Поне за малко да бъде при мен. Поне за малко нещата да бъдат просто лесни и хубави. А те никога не са.
И аз мразя това.
вторник, 14 юни 2011 г.
NOW
Can there for once be clarity? Full clarity. Not knowing parts of something, but know the whole thing. Will I live to know the answers to my biggest questions? Or do I pray for patience? Why does most of life have to be spent in waiting for real life to begin? Why isn't there at least one easy thing? Can I for once decide to do something without later doubting my decision? Can I only walk forward without turning back? I want some sugar too. I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I have had sugar, a lot of it. But this one aspect gets me down. Maybe because I have put it in a place too central. But then how do I move it? It seems I break my own heart but I honestly don't know how to keep it whole. And questions are so tiring. Even when I fall asleep I cannot run away. My mind constantly plays scenarios. I constantly think about it, I wonder... then I dream and regret and cry and laugh... and yet not know. And it looks like it's right there for me and I can't reach it.
петък, 10 юни 2011 г.
I want.
The past few... whatever... I caught myself longing for more... More than this, this place, these people...
I want to go places I've never been before.
I want to travel. Always has, always will.
I want to feel the wind in my hair.
I want to visit a beautiful garden.
I want to soak my feet in oceans, seas and rivers.
I want warm sands.
I want suitcases.
I want meadows of super colorful flowers.
I want to sleep in a caravan.
I want to laugh.
I want beaches.
I want bright nails.
I want new streets and towns where no one knows me.
I want to smell flowers.
I want to be barefoot with someone.
I want to sit on nice benches.
I want new rings.
I want to learn a new skill.
I want to walk, and walk some more... and then just... walk.
I want to sit on big trees, those trees that I imagine myself live on.
I want to meet new people, see their faces, remember their names, know about their lives, listen to their music, visit their favorite places.
I want to have long hair.
I want to whisper into someone's ear.
I want vases.
I want to have a closet full of fun clothes.
I want to taste new ice-cream.
I want to drink street lemonade.
I want to lay on grass.
I want to experience new life, new love. Something awesome only to me.
I want to buy new necklaces.
I want to sit on buses.
I want to buy brownies and cupcakes from a small bakery shop.
I want to sit around a fire with good friends and play a guitar.
I want to swim with dolphins.
I want to walk on small streets.
I want to ride a vespa with a cute stranger.
I want to eat real Italian pizza.
I want to sit on top of buildings.
I want to meet cute ridiculous kids.
I want to fly on airplanes.
I want to own pretty skirts.
I want to receive a bouquet of lots and lots of roses.
I want to go to Paris.
I want to play the piano.
I want lazy Sunday mornings in a great room.
I want to sit on front porches.
I want to discover new ways of putting my hair up.
I want to go out on a date on the beach.
I want to hold hands.
I want to take millions... no, gazillions of pictures.
I want to have a Starbucks whatever.
I want someone to take me away.
I want to have an iPhone.
I want piggy-back rides.
I want lots and lots of dandelions.
I want warm sweaters.
I want kisses.
I want a tattoo.
I want awesome shoes.
I want bear hugs.
I want shirts with long sleeves.
I want to catch snowflakes with my tongue.
I want to have a lot of picture frames with amazing memories attached to them.
I want to go to a petting zoo and pet as many fluffy animals as possible.
I want to read books.
I want to own this.
I want a car.
I want epic romance.
I want.
I want to go places I've never been before.
I want to travel. Always has, always will.
I want to feel the wind in my hair.
I want to visit a beautiful garden.
I want to soak my feet in oceans, seas and rivers.
I want warm sands.
I want suitcases.
I want meadows of super colorful flowers.
I want to sleep in a caravan.
I want to laugh.
I want beaches.
I want bright nails.
I want new streets and towns where no one knows me.
I want to smell flowers.
I want to be barefoot with someone.
I want to sit on nice benches.
I want new rings.
I want to learn a new skill.
I want to walk, and walk some more... and then just... walk.
I want to sit on big trees, those trees that I imagine myself live on.
I want to meet new people, see their faces, remember their names, know about their lives, listen to their music, visit their favorite places.
I want to have long hair.
I want to whisper into someone's ear.
I want vases.
I want to have a closet full of fun clothes.
I want to taste new ice-cream.
I want to drink street lemonade.
I want to lay on grass.
I want to experience new life, new love. Something awesome only to me.
I want to buy new necklaces.
I want to sit on buses.
I want to buy brownies and cupcakes from a small bakery shop.
I want to sit around a fire with good friends and play a guitar.
I want to swim with dolphins.
I want to walk on small streets.
I want to ride a vespa with a cute stranger.
I want to eat real Italian pizza.
I want to sit on top of buildings.
I want to meet cute ridiculous kids.
I want to fly on airplanes.
I want to own pretty skirts.
I want to receive a bouquet of lots and lots of roses.
I want to go to Paris.
I want to play the piano.
I want lazy Sunday mornings in a great room.
I want to sit on front porches.
I want to discover new ways of putting my hair up.
I want to go out on a date on the beach.
I want to hold hands.
I want to take millions... no, gazillions of pictures.
I want to have a Starbucks whatever.
I want someone to take me away.
I want to have an iPhone.
I want piggy-back rides.
I want lots and lots of dandelions.
I want warm sweaters.
I want kisses.
I want a tattoo.
I want awesome shoes.
I want bear hugs.
I want shirts with long sleeves.
I want to catch snowflakes with my tongue.
I want to have a lot of picture frames with amazing memories attached to them.
I want to go to a petting zoo and pet as many fluffy animals as possible.
I want to read books.
I want to own this.
I want a car.
I want epic romance.
I want.
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