NOW

Can there for once be clarity? Full clarity. Not knowing parts of something, but know the whole thing. Will I live to know the answers to my biggest questions? Or do I pray for patience? Why does most of life have to be spent in waiting for real life to begin? Why isn't there at least one easy thing? Can I for once decide to do something without later doubting my decision? Can I only walk forward without turning back? I want some sugar too. I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I have had sugar, a lot of it. But this one aspect gets me down. Maybe because I have put it in a place too central. But then how do I move it? It seems I break my own heart but I honestly don't know how to keep it whole. And questions are so tiring. Even when I fall asleep I cannot run away. My mind constantly plays scenarios. I constantly think about it, I wonder... then I dream and regret and cry and laugh... and yet not know. And it looks like it's right there for me and I can't reach it.